Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

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