Saturday Night.

I need a hobby.
A Saturday night adventure.
I need to escape.
I need to fall in love.
Or fly to the moon.
For this evening is the worst.
A long day of regression.
Of tears & of dreams.
Hiding below the water
Hidden behind the door.
The torture repeats
& The music engulfs
& this fool of the living
He sits broken on the floor.
The world it has ended
& the ghosts are alive.
Pictures remind me
& the memories stream through
The week is so busy
& the soul always tired
But this night of god Saturn
He tears me & he rips me
& I’m lost out at sea
Buffeted by the waves
& conquered by loss
I regret each moment I’m alive
Til the excitement kicks in
But here on a Saturday
I wait at death’s door
& I look out the window
& I belt out my name.
But the world remains silent
& this life just drags on
You see I need an adventure
You see I just need…
SOMETHING.

~ as it is. I’m bored beyond measure! Life wasting away. Listening to ‘Jessie Ware’

© ed simkins

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Missing You.

How do I get you?

How do I reach you?

How do I stop this bullshit and find you once more in my arms?

– How?!?

The walls still echo with the laughter you produced,

The beauty of your smile radiates in spaces known to us.

And the empty garden still cries in silence without your voice.

So where are you my love?

Where have you gone?

Why have you ridden so very far away?

I dream of you.

I see your face.

A distant memory that takes me back.

But the coldness of this winter past I know will last the year

& I miss you like the leaves without the trees

& I care nothing for the sun without you.

In my mind I cup your smiling cheeks. I hold you in my nervous dreams.

I prostrate myself and cry for you.

– For you.

& Each night a life of torture passes.

The blood that’s spilt, my offering for you.

My dreams for you.

So tell me how. Just tell me how!

How do I win you back?

How do I fix this world?

How do I make you smile again.

For me.

How?

& How do I let these tears stop rolling?

For the days they care no more,

Nor the nights which see these droplets fall.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

~ A poem about Ghosts & Songs & Broken Justice & how I find it hard to escape.

© Ed Simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

you break me

your face still burns.

my mind eyes sees & smiles.

i kiss you.

you taste of air.

– – – – –

a wondering sense of loss

a strange removal

distance built between two loves

yours has died.

mine lives on.

– – – – –

two naked children left alone

a girl of such sunny disposition

& a boy who dreams and bleeds in wrists.

she cries for him.

he needs her.

– – – – –

i stand before her and watch her smile.

delicious pain flows through my mind.

tears roll.

she’s died.

– – – – –

we stand again and gaze in eyes.

hers dreaming.

mine dying.

people hate and stand between.

no longer can i touch you.

– – – – –

my heart breaks and falls.

young skin pleases

teases

walks away.

– – – – –

if i could hold you

if i could love you

if i could make you smile.

then all my dreams

all my dreams

would fix us

– – – – –

and i let you go.

i let you die.

i let the dream of you escape my brain.

fantasy kissed. fantasy held.

you stand so prettily.

you break me.

~ thoughts about the girl who died, & more about the girl unseen. i love them both.

(c) Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins