wounded tiger

Happy smiles of golden mask
Which end in tears of solemn rage
Rejected buffoon which plays the fool
& tiger ensnared in cage.
No escape is made for time
for man who tries & dies
on every road I wander down
as time of mine it flies.
but plane shot down & weary ship
Where every wave he sails
Brings down shit like broken masts
& coffins complete with nails.
these echoes made of glories past
Where once i stood and smiled
I by now a distant hero
where every loss is trialled.
Sinking fast as forest glares
a tiger ‘fraid of striking out
my starving dreams i’m weary off
Continue years of drought.
Tiger crawled, approached his prey
Mask worn & manners held
But youthful princess knew my plans
ensured all trees were felled.
With dejected heart I could not close
In dusk I couldn’t approach
& every question asked in glee
Suffered a fatal reproach.
I wished to bite, to lap her up
To tear her clothes & see her sweat
But fate is cruel & such a game
Sees me foiled, & then I’m set.
On long walk home with laughs behind
From crowds of demons who reject
& so I stumble to this lonely spot
Where no-one will detect.
Where no-one sees me cry & bleed
& wish for blissful death
For I tried to break, I tried to strike
I longed for naked breath.
But death comes close & breaks my heart
In darkest night I fail
Her rejection causes such cruel pain
…Under moonlight cold & pail.

~ another utter rout.
© ed simkins

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Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

From King I fall

each word unseen. a flying wisp. ideas born.

dreams torn. girls die. seeds sown. frustration. death.

he kills again.

he dies. he fades & torture remains your thing.

you expect no sound though last breath gargles?

murder by hand or silence. or hate or maybe thought?

yours.

not mine.

murder me.

stand and watch & scream & laugh.

i care nothing for your abattoir skills.

eyes that cut. or words which slice.

result the same. defeat. fatigue. failed attempts to love. or breathe.

from king to abject poverty.

you stare. & watch upon the change in my relief.

i care nothing for you.

& in these moments of delusion i see my own hands in my own collapse.

i regret. i loathe & tear & spit.

i worship fate & terror takes hold.

my drugs.

i scream for drugs. i need my drugs.

illusions sown in winds of sand. breeze blows & my mind appears.

random. torn. heterosexual angst.

epiphany.

or moral turpitude. you see me as no man does.

from king to pauper in thirty hours time.

a genial God look as i sit now before you failed.

beast & sinner.

i long for love. the torture of her face.

instead i i look at you bowed. my body bleeding & reposed in slumber.

i cannot win without you near.

come.

speak to me & save my soul.

i plead. i beg.

~ From Love & desire to hate & self-defeat in two simple days.

(c) Ed Simkins

Missing You.

How do I get you?

How do I reach you?

How do I stop this bullshit and find you once more in my arms?

– How?!?

The walls still echo with the laughter you produced,

The beauty of your smile radiates in spaces known to us.

And the empty garden still cries in silence without your voice.

So where are you my love?

Where have you gone?

Why have you ridden so very far away?

I dream of you.

I see your face.

A distant memory that takes me back.

But the coldness of this winter past I know will last the year

& I miss you like the leaves without the trees

& I care nothing for the sun without you.

In my mind I cup your smiling cheeks. I hold you in my nervous dreams.

I prostrate myself and cry for you.

– For you.

& Each night a life of torture passes.

The blood that’s spilt, my offering for you.

My dreams for you.

So tell me how. Just tell me how!

How do I win you back?

How do I fix this world?

How do I make you smile again.

For me.

How?

& How do I let these tears stop rolling?

For the days they care no more,

Nor the nights which see these droplets fall.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

~ A poem about Ghosts & Songs & Broken Justice & how I find it hard to escape.

© Ed Simkins

Breakup

tonight death stalks me;

a bride in red.

flaxen hair. her perfect face.

i spit blood & cry.

for dreams end in a lonely night.

destruction rife. a broken home.

she stands there .

clothed and beautiful. crying. in paine.

& my heart sinks as the water of the waves takes over.

i kneel & fall.

i love her & i cannot breathe.

she hates. she trembles. & none of the words i want to say comes forth or helps.

she shivers. shrieks. i cannot stop the pain. i cannot stop her.

her hair is wired and makeup bludgeoned all over her face.

my bruises ache. heart torn.

my efforts long surrendered.

i want to save the world. to make it alright. but where is God? where is help?

Where is anyone to tell her to stay? to explain. to show her the way.

& so i touch her.

god,  i touch her. i hold her hand and feel the smoothness of her skin.

our eyes connect. we pause the fight.

i’m trembling. she’s furious. but she’s still a child.

& i broke her.

& my regret is chained.

i feel the weight & the burden of her love.

she reaches for me with her lips and our tears merge.

she whispers soft apologies and slowly, frustratedly walks away.

& i feel the vessels in my heart tear themselves apart.

& i see her leave.

~ too long indoors makes the memories play

(c) Ed Simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

one day in seven

from plus to minus i let the words roll out, an uninhibited politician who cannot lie.

i joke around & fear controls.

it is not the falsehoods i hide but truth & honesty. for you would kill me if you knew.

i look to her for integrity, a generous lady with wealth & love

i look to him, my friend, for support & sanity.

my sister laughs & rolls her eyes

my friends they shoot the breeze & tear themselves away, my mind its free in select & chosen groups.

but this secret i cannot, will not tell. vote for me i’ll say & i will burn you alive.

cause yes, i’m the top notch MP. but fuck that you’d say!

my girl stands before & my eyes reveal the embarrassment of it all

of how i want & how i need. of all desires to hold you there.

you should see me when we talk, & i wonder if she knows, i want to ask,

do you see me worshiping lips that i’ll never touch,

your skin that i cannot enjoy or stroke

or my gaze that roams across your fine female body,

do you know i ache for you & that i am scared? that i’m afraid to tell!

can you see how i fail to control myself, that i stutter in your very presence?

but maybe i am the devil’s son & these lies i tell for you.

to hide, to protect you from the truth.

that this man before you worships you.

that i cannot stand the distance that you run.

but that i cannot stand not losing you at all.

if only a god would help.

~ when desire is not allowed to love

(c) Ed Simkins

you break me

your face still burns.

my mind eyes sees & smiles.

i kiss you.

you taste of air.

– – – – –

a wondering sense of loss

a strange removal

distance built between two loves

yours has died.

mine lives on.

– – – – –

two naked children left alone

a girl of such sunny disposition

& a boy who dreams and bleeds in wrists.

she cries for him.

he needs her.

– – – – –

i stand before her and watch her smile.

delicious pain flows through my mind.

tears roll.

she’s died.

– – – – –

we stand again and gaze in eyes.

hers dreaming.

mine dying.

people hate and stand between.

no longer can i touch you.

– – – – –

my heart breaks and falls.

young skin pleases

teases

walks away.

– – – – –

if i could hold you

if i could love you

if i could make you smile.

then all my dreams

all my dreams

would fix us

– – – – –

and i let you go.

i let you die.

i let the dream of you escape my brain.

fantasy kissed. fantasy held.

you stand so prettily.

you break me.

~ thoughts about the girl who died, & more about the girl unseen. i love them both.

(c) Ed Simkins