Engulfed by doubt.

I grab her.
– What fool grabs a dream?
Does she care or flinch or take it as assumed?

I’ve confused myself.
Lost myself.
Stolen hints of gold.
I’m a thief of her flesh.

I stroke her hair.
My fingers teasing, caressing, exploring her secret world.
I place my head beside.
In the darkness I kiss her softly.

& her fingers place themselves entwined with mine.
Or am I controlling the puppet still?
Our flesh connects & senses, nerves they shake.
Illicit thoughts stumble across my face.

Were her smiles fewer today?
Drenched in the autumn floods?
Was the fool too much & awkward still?
& his ambitions too overly known?

I held her cheek & savoured smooth curves of facial delight
She looked at me & I rested control beneath her chin
I lent in & resisted, dreaming to the end.
Our eyes met & danced & desire burnt strong.

& then the chimes of time struck & all was gone.
Her body left & the smiles had fled.
Clinging dearly, these thoughts hold on
& screams of solitude swear their grief.

Can I ever please her?
Can I ever tell her?
Could she ever care?

– I try too hard. I love too much. I dream of her even when she’s there before me.
(c) ed simkins 2016

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Quiet.

A stillness born of death pervades my room.
I’m sat here.
Silent.

I’m tired.
Weary.
Mind screaming war-worn tales of

Confusion.

Thoughts which dangle around the cord around my neck.
To pull or jump.
To hide or fall.

Shadows mock the sights portrayed.
Notions of success & lover’s loved.
That I was king but now a tramp.

I breathe & mind stumbles towards an exit known.
In death can dreams become a golden shrine.
& the earth will give me gentle rest.

I seek escape.

~ a late night film & broken thoughts
© ed simkins 2015

Broken

Welcome to the home of the most hated man.
A man who disgusts even himself
& I am that man.
Ugly and foolish, pathetic and weak.
A man who can loves
But witness death in his soul.
Dreams that once blossom cry in the garden
Rain that is pouring
Is years as his driving.
A disaster this evening
Tragic and dull
Woman of beauty
Threatened to kill.
Sunken and discarded
Broken and dead
Rejected like a dumb-ass
Failed in the art.
Blood on his lone wrist
Cut by the knife which wounds as he speaks
Little does she see him
As they dance in the air
What happened to the smiles which protruded and soar?
What happened to the banter that spread into joy?
What happened to promise & desire
& those blissful eyes which gazed into mine?
Suddenly I’m shot,
I’m drowning or I’m cut
Thrown to the wolves like a carcass of distress
All in a word? Or was it a phrase?
I have no idea what happened but I suffer the fall
Glory all gone, dreams lie shattered
Tears in her eyes
Frustration in mine.
The darkness is falling
& the time it gets late
Hence I sit here broken
The famed man of hate.

~ an absolute disaster with HER.
© ed simkins. Joke.

Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

That I could hold her hand again.

God.
That I could hold her hand again.
A dream I take to sleep with me.
I die.
In painful tears which weep through loss.
I pause.
& dream.
Engulfed in darkness I sit with thought.
& silence bleeds.

I seek her hand once more, though none arrives.
Dreams I take to bed with me.
I speak to her but no response.
A quiet field of empty blanket found
An empty bed of love.
With flowers of remorse.

This heart which trembles in mute & lost, forgotten play
I see you there within my mind
A stabbing, painful memory
From the past my tears they fall.

My wrists would bleed if fate could change
& her body breathed again.
& held my hand.

I cry for you.
In quiet times.
In darkest echoes of the night, like now.
A tear rolls in sad recline.
Broken mind which stands by day
Shudders in the flood by night.

If love exists then hold my hand
& bring the radiance of your smile,
Return to me.
But pass, neglect this pain which fills my heart
Bring forth such joy which I once knew.

I retire now to death’s dark door
In weary battered illusion born
Where I may die & prostrate cry
Myself to sleep
& deep
oblivion.

~ darkness real takes over thoughts, as the night alone surrounds. A heavy night.
© ed simkins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWIE0PX1uXk

AM 5:04

Failed life.
Death is stalking.
Light of laughter
Dreams are broken

Eyes strain
Burn, yearn
Fallen lies
Confinement made.

Passion builds
An empty joke
My tears strive
Released in flow.

No thoughts but death
A silent night
Of pain engulfs
These ageing hands.

Ripped cuts in skin
Crimson tears they stream
Slow escape from fate
Dreams which break.

Silk kisses please
But memories fade
Bask in beauty born
If life were dreams.

~ too late too sleep
© ed simkins

Fears & Adventure

Cacophony of fear. I’m scared to death.
That dreams should take a final breath.
I fly today. A foreign land.
No love is held. No female hand.
I drown in sorrow. Of loves gone past.
Escape is needed. Escape at last.
I dream of you. an unknown name.
One who dreads & feels the same.
Music soft, & cello played.
Relation past, I wish had stayed.
Panic falls in cold dark tears
As all my hopes they disappear.
I’m scared to death & fate it snares
As aging man I dread to dare.
I’d love again if heart was free
To kiss the wind in symphony.
A perfect love that resonates
in beauty held for which I ache.
Three figures stand around me here
The past, the present & death so near.
The past is her, my broken wife
A girl who died with sacred knife
She slit her wrist to ease the blood
In crimson tide & ending flood.
There’s death that’s close & follows me,
I fear a waiting obituary,
A heart attack or painful fire
Or still alive in burning pyre,
& then there’s dream of porcelain girl,
Who smiles & giggles in dizzy curls,
My sweet desire, my late night fun
The girl to kiss, my only one.
& all around this set of three
Lies orange land & brazen sea
soon escape with mind & heart
& see how God will play his part,
Will I die in flaming wreck?
Or love all night on maiden’s neck?
Obsessed with fate, I’ll avoid the gaze
Of death & try to conquer days,
& maybe then between nightly freeze,
Love’s true call will quickly breeze
Into sight with victory
& send me joyful company.
Let’s hope for love, let’s hope for thrill,
Let’s hope for justice; a new sweet girl.

~ See you all soon. Thank you all for the joy & smiles, support & warmth you’ve brought me on here. More poetry & rambles when I get back folks…

© Ed Simkins

Dreams Upon A Wall

would you say yes if love smiled wide? if it approached your door and knocked?

would you give it all the time of day? or politely turn it far away?

would you?

for on a wet wall outside your house, i sit and ponder. a dream fulfills my mind but flutters scared.

i recall the days, the girls, the doors which closed. i know my fate before the deed is called.

i see you walking through your warm rooms at night. i see you think and act and dream alone.

do you know i exist? do you care that i seek? that a human kind exists for you?

But a dark shadow freezes here. filled with fear, his nerves a mess.

i seek you temptress. but how, how i’m scared!

that passion sought is not the paine, but humiliation is, defeat.  the dreaded answer no.

a stupid boy.

one that’s stuck to distant wall.

i watch you dream & whispers call. repeat.

a cup of tea, a simple chat. a laugh and knowing smile.

a pleasant thought, a happy silence, the space between where no paine grows.

we’d talk and look, our eyes would flirt, and bitten lips would tease & lead.

our happy hearts would bounce and dance with loving joy that friendship brings.

& how we’d sing in silly games that children play in youthful times.

& roses wait upon your door.

for i’m scared to say, to let you know. so i walk off home & mix my tears with the pouring rain.

leave you there, through watered wooden window frames, & let you watch a wall where stranger sat.

as dark clouds journey through their twilight path, & bid farewell to dreams undone,

& slowly kiss with slight rejection, the man of truth upon your wall.

~ dreams are the things I have inside. reality i know, is unfathomable, without control.

(c) Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins