Photographs

Apparition smiled, a falling child
Killed lonely man, sent no smile
Dreams of yesteryear fraught with pain
Hopes all dashed, my life insane.

Stillness purveys, over yonder field
At hidden depths of dusty, broken shield.
Silent tears fall, their coldness screams
Of broken words & long lost means.

If I could save the life once led
Then ghosts would leave from distraught head
Pain would end in stolen nights
& rainbow colours would hence be light.

But papyrus dreams of a beauteous form
Who stole my heart & broke the norm
She danced in playful travelled gifts
Until her halo began to shift.

She glides each day & stalks my land
& in her death she holds my hand
She looks to me & reminds me so
Of how I miss her inner glow.

But death is close & ghosts are cruel
For in midnight hours they will rule
They’ll shadow you & break you down
From lion’s heart to royal crown.

& so I lie amidst her lies
As tears stream in vast goodbye
Broken tiredness & sleep deprived
Her ghost beside & both we cried.

Blackness, fright & dark decay
Fill these words with which I say
My love I kiss a thousand times
Your love is lost, I cannot find.

~ I saw your picture today & it cut me deep.
© ed simkins

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Words Not told for you.

Allow death to ramble through your mind as she waits for sleep. Bring the poison closer & sink deeply into the pillows of your mind. Kisses exist no longer as the wound she leaves vents & stings.
Dreams end in failed toxic concoctions. Music no longer lifts but soils the white sheets you rest upon. The fun you had has disappeared within the swirling smoke of thought. I hate me.

Tired, tepid, late night lovers hold onto to strangles made in the cacophony of lust. Their sweat merged in pools of love upon the bed beside you. crawl down to the ends of time & bury your face from such torment. I’m sure love will grow again once more, though where & when & for whom I shall not know. Apologise & play the killer song again. Taste it.

Cold capsized my mind tonight. 2:17 and the world of dogs & hidden trees of fate hide themselves in shades of morning earth. I’m calling you because I’m lost. So lost. Can you aid or bathe the wounds with which I find? I’m aching for an escape from the monsters within my mind, for none will leave no matter how far I run..

& the silence is loud. I’m hurting. My eyes burn with revulsion & the mirrors with which I once showed the female race the beauty of their god is now redundant in dust & cracked shards of memory. I’m no longer what I used to be. Child is dead. The body rots. The mind is veiled & the thoughts echo to the bells of ageing pain.

Only the knife in my head remains as my friend. Her crimson tide kisses my skin & pours it’s scorn upon my time. I’m hurting bad, but soon this world will close it’s lips & laugh at me no more. Soon I will need no more remembrance of the deeds of god. Of when I was king & ruled this hallowed land. I whisper goodbye.

& feel my river red ebb. Pulsate & flow.

Tears merge with blood & the night consumes.
Eats me whole.

I’m sorry.

~ now 02:46 & the night is long & endless.
© ed simkins 2015

Tripping on illusions

I’m not sure.
It’s all bizarre.
Maybe I’m dead.
Or lost.

The sun’s out.
The clouds are rolling.
Things just seem strange.
Not quite what I expected.

Last night I was at her door
I was smoking the air
I was straining to pretend she stood there
Smiling in her fluffy blue dressing gown.

I laid down my roses
Wished that she’d see them
Wished that she knew I’d been there
Wished that she’d call me

But death is a strange friend
One who just whispers
Reminds you of truth
Shows you the futility of dreams.

So I kissed you on your forehead
The way I always used to do before
I stroked your nose & saw you smile
I never knew love could feel so good

& then a shadow you became
& i’m back here in my garden
My mind is tripping with illusions
A late night expedition to the old house of love

My dreams are that something new would occur
Something amazing would grip me by my heart
That she or you would come & hold my hand
That the dreams would come to fruition.

I’d like to experience something like that again
Something pulsing like fresh blood through my veins
I’d like this summer sun to witness romance
& paint the flowers which I see in shades of love.

So I’m not sure you see
Not sure what this day is I hold in my thoughts
& I’m tripping on illusions
& I’m wishing in the garden.

~ You know that I love her, but I want to experience this life.
© ed simkins

Pilgrimage

I went to the cemetery today.
& I stood at her closed door.
I dreamt of how she used to stand there smiling.
I fell in love once more.

I cried a thousand tears
& dreamt she loved me once again
& hoped that she had room for me
From the cold & freezing rain.

Illusions are a-plenty now
When death it holds her deep
I call out her name in pain
And stand there & I weep.

I wish that she were real again,
& she’d walk my earth tonight
I’d love my bride so passionately
& I’d hold her oh so tight.

Love, it is a knife wound
Cutting through my thoughts
Forcing me to ask her
If I’ll get what I have sought.

She, my precious dream so dear
Lies there under flowers
Not caring or a-knowing
That my tears flow for hours

I leave a postcard on her stone
& roses of love I kiss for her
I stumble to my knees in grief
& wish we could confer

I’d ask her if she’d marry me
I’d ask her for my child
I’d ask for her to stay with me
So that I could see her smile.

My broken heart remembers her
Her face & beauty glowed
The warm & crazy ways she played
Her conversations flowed

If I could save the dead I would
& make a kingdom out of loving
& all these late nightmares held
Would instead be rainbows here a-coming.

~ dreams of a girl so dear.
© ed simkins

Pictures of a war wound.

A liar
A thief
A bitch who destroyed
The world was your oyster now you’re wrapped up with boys
Hard to believe the fall from your grace
And how many details fell from your face?
The smiles & the winks
The honesty you brought
Love was a dispute, one that I fought.
I couldn’t pretend; ‘not an actor like you
Someone who could deceive the world like you do
Now see how the baby’s crying in its lair
Picture to the world – that’s the one you will share.
But what of the others?
What of your life?
I loath you bitch, you cancerous wife!

So I’m angry, you accuse
You’ll spin out your lies
& tell the whole world it was me who had died.
You’ll point to the direction of my tears that you caused
And laugh at the pictures of my heart on the floor.
Well maybe it was good that you died in the night
For I can’t honestly say I miss all those fights
But you should have done better, you should have done good
and known and respected the king from the hood
but you killed him, deceived him & let him fall down
then broke me and hurt me and threw out my crown
so what now my lover, my fatal femme noir
a whole life of worship for the girl you now are?
Or will we once more, meet in the night
& see how things are, try as we might
For illusions are many and there’s much to debate
Or a least a good beating for the woman of hate
Good night I say now & I’ll bid my farewell
Thanks for the poison & the visions of hell
Silence is golden & my world is death’s door
Hope is my friend & I give you no more.

~ on seeing old lies & illusions.
© ed simkins

Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

That I could hold her hand again.

God.
That I could hold her hand again.
A dream I take to sleep with me.
I die.
In painful tears which weep through loss.
I pause.
& dream.
Engulfed in darkness I sit with thought.
& silence bleeds.

I seek her hand once more, though none arrives.
Dreams I take to bed with me.
I speak to her but no response.
A quiet field of empty blanket found
An empty bed of love.
With flowers of remorse.

This heart which trembles in mute & lost, forgotten play
I see you there within my mind
A stabbing, painful memory
From the past my tears they fall.

My wrists would bleed if fate could change
& her body breathed again.
& held my hand.

I cry for you.
In quiet times.
In darkest echoes of the night, like now.
A tear rolls in sad recline.
Broken mind which stands by day
Shudders in the flood by night.

If love exists then hold my hand
& bring the radiance of your smile,
Return to me.
But pass, neglect this pain which fills my heart
Bring forth such joy which I once knew.

I retire now to death’s dark door
In weary battered illusion born
Where I may die & prostrate cry
Myself to sleep
& deep
oblivion.

~ darkness real takes over thoughts, as the night alone surrounds. A heavy night.
© ed simkins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWIE0PX1uXk

Morning Rain & Dreams

Death is a friend through the darkness of the night,
I awake and I see you, a dream I once knew.
I tell you that I love you and I see your sweet body
I wish you were here & love kissed me more.

As the rain hits the windows and the flowers sadly cry
I turn to my side and see the space you once slept in.
My mind sets you there and I’d kiss if I could
But cruel is my life, filling with space.

I’m not sad anymore, no more than the rest,
& I’m grateful for my world, my minute little part.
I just wish, cause I’m selfish, than I had something I want
The affection and the kingship that once I enjoyed.

& I’ve learned from the past, through sadness & defeat
& I know that I’m stronger & my ego a devil.
I know that I can love and how I can make happy
I know how to set her free & love her so deeply.

But it’s morning now & the world is awakening,
It’s cold and it’s raining and I’m staring out of my window.
& I wish one day that fate, or accident or something more crazy
Would set out my dream and let her walk back

I don’t care about her past, I don’t care for the words
I just wish she were in my arms and the peace back again.
I wish for her romance & the days that we laughed
& I’d make sure she knew of the love in my heart.

~ awakening with the sight of her beside me. How cruel is the mind!
© ed simkins

Echoes Ache

I shake.
A pathetic little man from outer space.
Gridlocked tears pause broken behind my eyes.
I’m drowning.
They need escape.
Recall the thoughts that brought you there & fall.
Collapse.
Cry.

Two reasons why.
Monuments of old illuminate the room in which I sleep. Torture to the end.
The blue-grey top you wore so often. A photographic bombsite that played with love.
Which stripped itself on so many occasions. Each written in a booklet of the past.
But died.
With pain & hate & broken down communication.
& ended in abject failure.

& the taste of you.
Your dolled up face.
You childish ways which glued my attention as the years rolled by.
As the kisses flowed.
& smiles fought with such happy lips.
I loved you.
& then the glue was gone
& the lies were born.
Pages ripped in the book of delight.

I was two hours too late.

& you were gone.

A jumper left, crying over the red leather chair on which we played.
& the pink glitter lipstick which made you taste so fun
Alone & lost upon the mantelpiece of my fire.

The house is empty now.
But I see you everywhere.

~ haunted by thoughts & visions & dreams.
© ed simkins