The futility of love.

I want to hold her.
Really hold her.
To my chest.
To my heart.

I’m in love
& I’m in pain.
I’m pleasured
& I’m sick.

I grieve for I know the truth.
In a year she departs.
Gone.
Leaving for a foreign land.

& I know this.
I shed tears because of this.
I gaze into her eyes and I know this.
My tears fall because of this.

How can love bring so much pain?
How can life be so cruel & bring so many smiles?
How can she be this perfect & so close to me
& yet engaged in a fading act of dying?

i love her.

© ed simkins 2016
– torture is my grief, love the cause.

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17:42

Trapped.
Bored.
Her face, her voice, her fine young body lodged firmly within my mind.
I’m plagued by want.

Now what?
What can I do to alleviate this pain?
All I do is mope & long & want & dream
& hunger fills my thoughts with such strong desire.

Yet there’s nothing I can do.

Time without her kills.
It burns.
It cuts.
It hurts.

She drifts away on a daily tide & each weekend she sails the world by ocean light
& here I wait…
An empty vessel
My harbour quiet
Still
Lifeless.

I ache with excitement when she’s around
& I smile & gallop & climb a thousand trees for fun.
& then she’s gone.
& I’m left to rot.
A futile jester all alone.

I love her my friends.
I love her more than I can ever know myself.

& I’m scared.

I’m scared by death & the end which comes.
I’m scared by the daily goodbye.
I’m scared by the moments I know in which she’s not there.
& I’m scared that I own no control.

I have never felt so in love my friends
So excited & joyful & happy & free
& torn by doubt & pain & want
What can I do my friends?

But die in love & loneliness.

– Life is cruel in its complexity.
© ed simkins

Silence In Longing.

Her shadow ran to me today.
An air of delight upon her youthful face appealed to my loneliness.
I longed to kiss her but the air felt damp as the morning mist fell down.

Illusions danced upon the retinas of my eyes
She flicked her hair & caused my heart to stir
My eyes leaked a hopeless tear.

Emptiness struck the barren ground with fear.
With dark dungeons of longing I stood alone.
The air was silent & cold.

Always tomorrow I pleaded. The clouds rolling by agreed.
They sensed my loss.
They begged for hope.

Maybe she’ll be there. Maybe.
& I’ll see her turn the corner & my face will light with a thousand fires of desire
& the happiness of a boy in love for the very first time.

She’ll smile in bright anticipation & beautiful recognition.
& the world will find its song & the sun will shine once more in urgent clichéd sweet affection.
& I will smile.

– unwell, my love remained unseen today.
© ed simkins 2016

Without Her.

A day off without her.
No laughter.
No beauty.
No brilliance.
It’s killing me.

Why can’t I see her every day?
Hold her & play with her and just be with her.

Why is it that love pains so much?

I hold the photo I have of her & I miss her!
Boy do I miss her!

It doesn’t laugh or chat or talk or tease or flirt or dance or play or whirl or hold.
She’s beautiful in it, but it’s not all that she is.
Not by far.

& I’m missing her!

Behind this smile I long for her.
I long to tell her how much I want her here.

I cannot cope with death. & I cannot cope with this.
I need her.

Time is cruel. Love is worse.
Fate & Life conspire against every wish I ever have.

I love her.

Please tell her.

xXx

– A long day without her.
© ed simkins 2016

Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

AM 5:04

Failed life.
Death is stalking.
Light of laughter
Dreams are broken

Eyes strain
Burn, yearn
Fallen lies
Confinement made.

Passion builds
An empty joke
My tears strive
Released in flow.

No thoughts but death
A silent night
Of pain engulfs
These ageing hands.

Ripped cuts in skin
Crimson tears they stream
Slow escape from fate
Dreams which break.

Silk kisses please
But memories fade
Bask in beauty born
If life were dreams.

~ too late too sleep
© ed simkins

Life Alone, no reason.

23:37 & the heart is ripped.
A long walk through the darkness. Drifting through shorelines

Distance uncertain, a final fatal dream.
No-one to love & empty solitude.

The world is so large, but I can’t scream any louder
I ache for a drug that doesn’t exist.

Pleasure an illusion of the crazy & dead.
I sit in a room of which there’s no sound

I can’t tell you of the pain that I feel deep inside
You’d hate me for this weakness as the mirror pays witness.

The stars are illusions of a god which has failed
Nightmares exist in the eyes of the stranger

& money takes no more than the soul of this man.
Where is my saviour when all the thinkers are dead?

Buddha was a dreamer who retired to a tree
Smiling & kissing, a thinker in pain

No grip to be certain, a hand in the ocean
I’m drowning in not knowing, the direction I’m going.

Given a rock or a rope from an angel unknown
Once more accidentally, I’d kill & she’d moan.

Tears are my pillow, placed by my weakness
I wish I could conquer, My brain & my fate

Dreams they take over & I bid you farewell,
Though Love is a lie, it’s one that I seek.

~ On seeing the film ‘Up in the Air’ & reflecting on my life.

© ed simkins

Meal For One.

The predictable monotony of meals for two?
Or the purported individualistic freedom for one?
I am yet unknown to answer.

I watch the couples fight & sing, play and love,
I see their knives cut deep into each other’s hearts.
I cringe & wince at each stab & slice.

I feed myself alone
With dreams of love that none provide
Imagination feeds on the days gone past.

I saw a dream today which I invited to dine
She looked & cried and made me run & die
A lowly disdain which ruined her day.

Sauce of sweetness, a sour seduction
A failed mix of smiles & thought
I grabbed my coat & trailed away.

I sit here, in the glory of my cave,
The girl in two tone, rich in fascination
I talk to her alone, a secret whisper sown.

Her body fine, sweet salacious curves of youth,
Her gorgeous hair flowing poetically, I long to hold
She smoothed her dress, I wished to talk & shine.

But she knows nothing of the world I am
She sees my shadow tremble in broken lust.
Her power cripples me. I fail.

This meal for one in a single chaired room,
Filled with tears from the pain of age,
I pretend to love her, but no smiles exchange.

I made her laugh through crimson wit,
I heard her giggle & the flame of joy leaped softly across her lips
I wish she knew of the conversation held.

But her food grows cold, & I sit alone.
I wish she’d sit & enjoy my world.
Yet stranger remains a distant hope of love.

~ I watched a film of two & I saw her today. I cannot escape this fix of mine. It tears me so.
© ed simkins

Echoes Ache

I shake.
A pathetic little man from outer space.
Gridlocked tears pause broken behind my eyes.
I’m drowning.
They need escape.
Recall the thoughts that brought you there & fall.
Collapse.
Cry.

Two reasons why.
Monuments of old illuminate the room in which I sleep. Torture to the end.
The blue-grey top you wore so often. A photographic bombsite that played with love.
Which stripped itself on so many occasions. Each written in a booklet of the past.
But died.
With pain & hate & broken down communication.
& ended in abject failure.

& the taste of you.
Your dolled up face.
You childish ways which glued my attention as the years rolled by.
As the kisses flowed.
& smiles fought with such happy lips.
I loved you.
& then the glue was gone
& the lies were born.
Pages ripped in the book of delight.

I was two hours too late.

& you were gone.

A jumper left, crying over the red leather chair on which we played.
& the pink glitter lipstick which made you taste so fun
Alone & lost upon the mantelpiece of my fire.

The house is empty now.
But I see you everywhere.

~ haunted by thoughts & visions & dreams.
© ed simkins