Awoken by dreams.

My bed aches in misery. Fact.
A frozen blanket of time & memory.
Filled with dreams from old.

Thoughts that capture you.
I hate you.
You left me scared & broken.

Your memory stood there this morning.
A vengeful palace of words so stern.
Vivid dream that bit. & cut eternal deep.

I’m angry.
& I despise you for the details you provide.
Standing there accusing me. How dare you.

You told them lies.
Strangers that I never knew; your family of fear & daily deceit.
You told them lies. & broke me with their hate.

How could you lure me last night?
How could you stand there naked? Make me dream of your flesh that burns.
Smooth & still & screaming seduction. Always bribing.

Tonight I’m sick. & I don’t expect you to care. I know your thoughts.
You appear in dreams & wake me up in sweat so cold & full of crisp disdain.
Then stir my passion with love & hate.

I’m sick inside. Never healed. Never known sweet freedom from you.
The cuts you stroke are deep & sore. A mad memento of love so called.
You stole so many things but the empty shell you left behind.

I’ll curl up in my bed tonight. Stretch out a hand and miss you there.
I’ll pretend no fear & hide beside, an empty space where tears were cried in hopeless desire & love inspired.
I’ll watch your face, your silent sleep & breathe.

& The light will fade, the shadows recline.
Darkness consume & the night will pass.
Maybe tomorrow in the fresh morning sun, a new hand will hold me close.

~ this morning’s vivid dream shook my soul. I Awoke to anger & frustration.
© ed simkins

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The Sleeping Field

i wonder what it’s like to love.
That strange affliction which hides its scars.
I pause for thought as no memory returns. No photos emerge of former times.
Join me. Sit beside me. For tonight I rest upon the bench which bears her name.

Blossoms grow & burst & fall within the gentle breeze. She liked it here.
The gentle walks. The holding hands.
She’d smile as the spring birds whistled & sang their orchestrated tunes.
She kissed me here.

I look around. & I see a pretty girl with auburn hair.
A gentle face which smiles through her own regretting tears. Another loss?
& I build up dreams of her & wish we’d speak. But fear of pain holds me back. Enforced retreat. I’m scared to try. To even venture from this bench.

We argued once. Surrounded by the silent snow which fell.
& by the end, her tears had soaked the coat I wore more than any flakes which danced & trod upon the shores of my shoulders still.
I held her there. Held her close & tight & made her know I dreamt of her.
She smiled & kissed me softly through her passioned lips so wet.

I couldn’t say if my heart was full that day or I was already bleeding through my longing for her.
Even when she sat beside me.
Upon this bench which now bears her name – Her sacred name.
& I gaze from stranger dreams & focus back upon this stone.

Black enamel gloss; stone of heaven.
She lies there sweetly.
The girl i thought I loved.
My wife.

& the cherry trees sway their silent praise in pearls of pink & pristine white.
Cemeteries made for thought.
A single tear bows & falls.
I miss her.

& the stranger walks away the same.
& I wonder what it’s like to be in love.
The summer sun wanes & fades.
& I wish she’d return tomorrow.

To that girl within the sleeping field.
I miss you.
With all my heart & aching soul.
I miss you.

~ beauty & pain combine so often. I can only sigh in wonder.
© ed simkins

Unseen by You.

The numbness of your thoughts.

Lips which speak of other men & break

The dreams I hold within, behind this mask.

I feel the pain.

I sink to feet.

My fire burns but no smoke seen – you cannot see.

You have no clue this love I hold; I yearn for you.

A ghost I am. Mischievous, amusing, blind & drunk.

You ignore me so. It kills.

You slit my wrists with paine of childish dismissal.

Fourteen again & treated so.

You hold my hand. But to you this is jest, not love for me.

You take my name & throw it round the rooms we play.

I long for you.

But you run right past.

I smile for you.

A fool. His muse.

I feel the weariness of love appear & conquer me.

& Numbness holds.

I want you.

I wish you knew.

That other man whose name you brandish like golden finds, what care he for you?

Nothing!

– Nothing.

But I my friend. I my smiling pretty, goofy, unashamed in ignorance, blissful girl,

I adore.

The softness of your touch which melts my skin & drains my brain in mush for you.

Or that waist which calls & screams for my hands to be emboldened & take you there.

Undress your clothes & sense the silkiness of your curves alone.

I long for you.

& though my kisses would range from slow to hunger, your smile would I confess each day fuels my mind.

But you talk of him!

As if god were more important than the joys of someone close who worships you.

You’re killing me!

& I see you do not care or know.

You put me down in words of jest & compete in ways with me that time will test.

Another touch of hand.

Warm, smooth, innocent ecstasy. A frivolous desire.

I burn for you; a crimson fire.

You push me far, & I can’t break through!

I m drunk in the words I write for you.

I wish that girl could love or kiss

Then aching yearning would I miss & dreams fulfilled.

Snuggled up with naked child who smiled.

I dream of you.

Perhaps one day you’ll call for me instead.

~ On being with my girl. She speaks but does not see.

© ed simkins

Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

My Peaceful Bride

Girl in the white dress dead.
Silver knife.
Red wrists.
Frustration made of simple mistake.

Her wedding gown.
Lace & long & oh so beautiful.
Her pale skin.
Perfect sleep.

A single tear as silence held.
Music plays, piano keys.
Disaster through song’s repeat.

Her cherry lips
Expensive prostitution.
Suicide?
Or murdered love?

Upon this chair the white man sees.
Looks over body.
Sensual lust? Or ego bruised?

Her pretty face. How young was she?
I held her hand, & now the knife.
Scarlet stains, sticky fingers lost in blood.
Who ended the dream she shared?

A final thought. Her pretty body.
Which cut came first?
Her failed desire or my expectation?
Lover lost, angel died. Solemn grief in human lust.

~ I play a song, the cave is dark, I see this scene within my mind.  Maybe it’s just how all things end.

© Ed Simkins

Missing You.

How do I get you?

How do I reach you?

How do I stop this bullshit and find you once more in my arms?

– How?!?

The walls still echo with the laughter you produced,

The beauty of your smile radiates in spaces known to us.

And the empty garden still cries in silence without your voice.

So where are you my love?

Where have you gone?

Why have you ridden so very far away?

I dream of you.

I see your face.

A distant memory that takes me back.

But the coldness of this winter past I know will last the year

& I miss you like the leaves without the trees

& I care nothing for the sun without you.

In my mind I cup your smiling cheeks. I hold you in my nervous dreams.

I prostrate myself and cry for you.

– For you.

& Each night a life of torture passes.

The blood that’s spilt, my offering for you.

My dreams for you.

So tell me how. Just tell me how!

How do I win you back?

How do I fix this world?

How do I make you smile again.

For me.

How?

& How do I let these tears stop rolling?

For the days they care no more,

Nor the nights which see these droplets fall.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

~ A poem about Ghosts & Songs & Broken Justice & how I find it hard to escape.

© Ed Simkins

Tears into the Blood

Frightened sweat drips down. Her beautiful face smiles. Our Blood surrounds.

It’s a simple late night story. One of hate, of love, of you.

we sit in pools of red. our love spent. the fury gone. the knives retired. i love. you love you.

your kiss is sacred. smooth. gentle. soft. a delicate petal which shocks my lips. i need you!

we sit. arched backs redundant. filled with fear, spent with lust. desire burns you see. it screams!

can you see the tear i have from you? can i kiss the cheek you turn away?

how can i ache from the love that you give? or hate from the passion which you deny?

i don’t understand! & the blood runs thin.  droplets slow; the perfect form. pain.

the last kiss is beautiful. slow, moist lips, tenderly press. a smile forms. a sigh begins. our hands hold on. press against the naked flesh. deep breath attracts & the world stands back and looks.

the curve of your breasts, so sweet and firm. the shoulder you cry on, worn and true.

but you broke first. your tears told lies.

please let me kiss you again. i want to retake that dream. rebuild it and stand up!

god, please let us love. let us hold on.

let us!

LET US!.

but we sit there. our shame and our decay. our hopes broken. the walls deaf to our pleas. our home silent to the pain that flows through our blood to the floor. & we are stuck.

let me kiss you.

let me taste your tears.

please, come closer and hold me! & see that our strength is still here..

but just let me kiss you!

& place your hand in mine.

Please.

I love you.

(c) Ed Simkins