As I sit by my window

I wonder if life knows of itself
If its able to scream with joy or sing in love.
I wonder if children know of the pain
Of growing old and seeing death smile.

I look around my home and see the stories of the past
The tales of the fights, the glory of the hugs
The tickles, the dreams, the shadows, the lies
& all those corners of secret veiled winks & nods.

I jest now. I’m pondering too much.
I sat here reflecting before I run naked into the garden of life.
& it scares me, there’s much to be suffered.
The thoughts & deeds of those who hate & bleed.

I wonder if life sits in the flowers, the red & the yellow
The bluebells, the snowdrops, the pansies, the clover
I wonder if the forest of life would welcome a new child still
Innocent as the day I was born ten thousand years ago.

& still. Still I dream.
Of holding her, goddess of smiles,
Just sitting there, basking in the sunlight
Admiring the beauty of a face so fine.

Maybe I’m in love, but just with the dream.
Maybe I’m fed up of the fallacy of truth.
Maybe I want to kiss and caress the cheek of youth
But I know the pain & truth of chasing hope.

I wonder if life will love itself one day
Make love to each human, each creature in the sea
Give a chance of success to the hearts of each being
& set nature back on it’s course of true wonder.

~ just waking up & looking out over life
© ed Simkins

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Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

AM 5:04

Failed life.
Death is stalking.
Light of laughter
Dreams are broken

Eyes strain
Burn, yearn
Fallen lies
Confinement made.

Passion builds
An empty joke
My tears strive
Released in flow.

No thoughts but death
A silent night
Of pain engulfs
These ageing hands.

Ripped cuts in skin
Crimson tears they stream
Slow escape from fate
Dreams which break.

Silk kisses please
But memories fade
Bask in beauty born
If life were dreams.

~ too late too sleep
© ed simkins

Stolen Laughter & Suicide.

Passion left.

Waving goodbye to the shadows behind.

& Perpetual Pain.

They say grow up.

& now I’m old.

Things don’t change too quickly.

I feel the time

Which echoes around.

The walls remain my silent friends.

Doors are shut & the curtains drawn.

I cannot go out.

My mind drags me back.

Mental frustration explodes as the world laughs out

& I sit & hide. In here.

Once I was god. But now a broken wreck.

I see your face. & friends persist.

But the long hours of solitude emphasise

The defeat I hold as mine.

Sure, crowd me in a room & watch me fall.

Watch me run or see me crack.

& you will know that I am still, a broken man.

The world still hates me & I regret

The illusions that I once believed in.

I spend my time just waiting. Dying. Thinking.

I cannot achieve, I cannot work.

I cannot accomplish nor concentrate.

Perhaps you only see me as a lazy son of bitch.

But I have a job & I know some folk quite well.

But no-one knows the secret darkness into which I crash & burn.

My mind is heavy & I’m tired now.

The smiles you see are aggrandised self delusions.

Dreams into which I sink my mind. Focus some say.

& I am better when I do not think.

But then I awake. & breathe.

& the pain comes back.

& the cycle repeats.

Yes, I wish I could be.

An island of tranquility.

~ An Honest Letter & enough said.

© Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins

i just need & want to say your name

a beauty queen that teases me, her belt inducing, seducing me,

she’s standing there and looking fine, i’m dying to kiss and make her mine

her smile perfection, my temple of peace, this is where my search does cease

she sways a rhythm and her hips do tease, if god existed, i’d aim to please

i’d undress that girl and stand her tall, and worship her from head to floor

she’s killing me with naked looks, her fine young body and all those nooks

she stands so close & i taste her breath, sweet attraction and her skin so fresh

my teeth to bite & hands to claw,  i lay her down on furnished floor

to caress her curves like waves on shore, with her my love i’m needing more

she smiles, we kiss, and heavens rain, with gratitude for the end of pain

we lie like that for the end of time, and i’m grinning baby, cause now you’re mine

oh dreams that come and nights that go, we bask in silence, and we feel the flow

the ecstasy sustains, then drives us on, until the basking of the morning sun

romeo and juliet in naked clothes, her body warm in silken rose

my hands enclose and love once more, cause my heart is fixed, no longer torn.

if only i could say my dreams, then i would call & say believe!

i just need & want to say your name, i adore so much, i’m quite insane!

~ a beautiful dream about a beautiful girl 🙂

(c) ed simkins

jennifer with smiles

sweet jesus and his loving prayers, that such a girl exists!

jennifer my god, my love, i adore & that is true!

you rip and stretch and bend and break and tear my heart in parts!

how can such a creature be that beauty is an art?

your smile is full and lips to kiss, oh how can i resist?

your arms that tease and tickle me, how easy to persist!

that fresh faced smile, that glint of peace, that beauty which makes me cry!

my heart it yearns to hold you close and and gaze upon your eyes.

such  pearls of paradise my dear, that find this man a-drowning

how can lust be such sweet sorrow, that god he holds me back!

he creates a beauty of such finery that one can barely speak

but mortal love that flies through me, each day i long to reach

& touch her skin, such smoothery, such skin that flows and darts

from silken hair to naked breast, hidden beneath her charms

i wish, i wish, i wish some more, that man would leave us be,

that gem of golden tongue and love would gaze again at me.

for when she does my world is us and she is all my needs

i love her such that dreams exist and on my knees i plead.

she laughs and giggles and glows like stars, her playfulness excites,

that i could keep her to myself & let our love ignite!

i want to kiss and kiss some more, and feel her tender breath

to know her figure, enjoy her person, in merriment til death

i want to talk and flirt and smile and please her as i can

but if only a god existed, then would i be her man!

i love her and that is enough my friend, it’s all that i can do,

for if i asked her out again, a gentle answer no.

but i am such a fool you see, and masked wolf that i am,

that life continues, my love it seeks, i dream because i can

& secret world remains unknown, i love her that is true!

and as we play and hold and fight, my eyes will love her too.

~ happiness is when something wonderful happens 🙂

(c) Ed Simkins

A man of false success & a boy of defeat.

In the mirror he sits. Calm & withdrawn .
Another defeat cripples his face. The tears heavy with the ignominy of being alive.
His hate wells up.
He wanted success, he wanted joy!
Man calls back at the face that stares.
“Paine is the knife. The weapon that bleeds.
Look at your eyes and witness defeat.”
Boy shouts back & cries. “I breathe & I cry, I taste nothing but hate.”
Man holds him close.
“I cannot do anything. I am no good. I drive & I see no road.
The water that falls is the rain from my mind.
I enter the house & call out her name.
No-one replies.
An echo sounds out & it’s then
Its then that I wish to die.
That I could sit & end it all. & no-one would miss me. No would care.
The house speaks of ghosts.
Of death that fell apart. Of lives destroyed.”
Boy weeps.
& breathes. Mist forms on the stolen mirror.
“How can we love?
So many defeats. I cannot cope. I am swamped by the deluge.
A broken mind which leaks. & floods.”
Both close their eyes.
“Maybe we should sleep.”

(c) Ed Simkins

Napoleon beneath the Castle.

Thick brown mud & horse manure, a mountain full beside the plot

An old man gathers, collects his shovel and slowly, sturdily, moves the lot

Winter’s ice on broken land, a cold wind blows and silence calls

A king commands a one man force, struggling against the snow that falls

Or rain or sleet or bloodied shine, prepares the ditch & plants his flag

Campaign begins, tools all prepped, a man with heart that will not sag

Unending groups of fertile green, battalions stand in row on row

This army nourished, watered, fed, 12 months of blood will make it grow

Each day he tends, and hands produce, an ancient source of fantasy

An elder man, his hands all cracked, retired now from destiny

Nature controlled and organised, this man a genius of the magic green

A plot of land so abundant in food, a man of freedom, a man unseen

It makes me sad, it makes me cry, to see this guy talk so proud

Of the things he’d done, of the victories won, of the miracles that only he’d inspired

By blood and guts, of reading much, and those manual days in which he’d perspired

In fighting off disease and nature, of jealous fools and the years gone by

He, Napoleon, beneath the distant castle, victorious in defeat, one day will die

& there in the fields he will lie down buried, a cross erected & the world will know

That this is my Father, the gardening master, & just like his plants, his kudos will grow.

(c) Ed Simkins

Seraph Begin

your naked fingers glide and laugh. i’m teased by the brilliance of your soft wet kisses.

& i smile. & i escape.

the madness that revolves around the world outside ceases at my door, as you stand there.

stripped of thought and body taut, you tease my face. & drunk and drugged, your disrobed love inflames my famished senses.

& i smile. & i grin. & i want you.

but people scream and strangers run & the street outside is set alight. & the war is fought by blooded barons and poisoned narcotic-filled fanatics.

but in here…oh, in here!

Within this shallow grave, against your feminine approach, i find my mind surrounded by your soothe sensual sex appeal & your raucous dominant desire.

& together, we smile.

your hands – strict silken gloves across my wanton skin,  my tired eyes bathe in your delicate affection.

the shouts of death and thuds of destruction fly past the broken window as we begin to love.

& your eyes sparkle & the moment engulfs us.

Standing close against my mortal frame, your electric eyes ensnare; studying, desiring, daring, taunting.

& our hungry hearts pound as our minds dream, scream & declare their youthful yearning.

the immediate beauty of the silence around us drowns us.

for when the world outside ignites, your naked body and graceful dreams immerse my fears in a blanket of lust & love and slow, compassionate embraces.

& i hunger for you.

Seraph begin.

(c) Ed Simkins