Photographs

Apparition smiled, a falling child
Killed lonely man, sent no smile
Dreams of yesteryear fraught with pain
Hopes all dashed, my life insane.

Stillness purveys, over yonder field
At hidden depths of dusty, broken shield.
Silent tears fall, their coldness screams
Of broken words & long lost means.

If I could save the life once led
Then ghosts would leave from distraught head
Pain would end in stolen nights
& rainbow colours would hence be light.

But papyrus dreams of a beauteous form
Who stole my heart & broke the norm
She danced in playful travelled gifts
Until her halo began to shift.

She glides each day & stalks my land
& in her death she holds my hand
She looks to me & reminds me so
Of how I miss her inner glow.

But death is close & ghosts are cruel
For in midnight hours they will rule
They’ll shadow you & break you down
From lion’s heart to royal crown.

& so I lie amidst her lies
As tears stream in vast goodbye
Broken tiredness & sleep deprived
Her ghost beside & both we cried.

Blackness, fright & dark decay
Fill these words with which I say
My love I kiss a thousand times
Your love is lost, I cannot find.

~ I saw your picture today & it cut me deep.
© ed simkins

No Way to Save

Frustrated tears grace her cheeks
I see them fall & join.
Her heartache erupts in broken sighs
I die
As she collapses in tortured shakes
& shoulders weep.
I burn inside.
No idea of how to save this child who cries.
I ache & crash as angel calls.
I surrender to fear, inside I’m small.
I love my girl.
But I cannot reach.
I’m cut off & scared
& been pushed away.
Her shattered face speaks of loss
& beauty blooms in watered rolls.
She’s cold.
Alone.
& I’m standing there.
Rooted to the spot insane.
My soul surrounds, I’m keeping her close
I’m telling her it’s fine, that’s she everything known.
But I’m silent.
& scared.
& the earthquake is great.
The bridges tear
Communications down
I gaze at her wonder, at the beauty of her form
I’m desperate for her smile
For this fire to burn out.
For her to hit me or kill me
Scream or please shout.
But she stands there & she’s drowning
& her tears break into flood.
I’m rooted & I’m weak & I’m losing my love.
Her image fades fast & she’s moving from view
Soon she is walking & the distance benign
Now but a ghost
& lost deep in time.
I still hear the echoes, & the pain in her voice
Lost to the grave
Lost without choice.

~ having played Taylor Swift’s ‘Last Kiss’ & seeing this occur. Another experience still hurts.
© ed simkins

Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

From King I fall

each word unseen. a flying wisp. ideas born.

dreams torn. girls die. seeds sown. frustration. death.

he kills again.

he dies. he fades & torture remains your thing.

you expect no sound though last breath gargles?

murder by hand or silence. or hate or maybe thought?

yours.

not mine.

murder me.

stand and watch & scream & laugh.

i care nothing for your abattoir skills.

eyes that cut. or words which slice.

result the same. defeat. fatigue. failed attempts to love. or breathe.

from king to abject poverty.

you stare. & watch upon the change in my relief.

i care nothing for you.

& in these moments of delusion i see my own hands in my own collapse.

i regret. i loathe & tear & spit.

i worship fate & terror takes hold.

my drugs.

i scream for drugs. i need my drugs.

illusions sown in winds of sand. breeze blows & my mind appears.

random. torn. heterosexual angst.

epiphany.

or moral turpitude. you see me as no man does.

from king to pauper in thirty hours time.

a genial God look as i sit now before you failed.

beast & sinner.

i long for love. the torture of her face.

instead i i look at you bowed. my body bleeding & reposed in slumber.

i cannot win without you near.

come.

speak to me & save my soul.

i plead. i beg.

~ From Love & desire to hate & self-defeat in two simple days.

(c) Ed Simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

Death in The Snow

I was scared that time would drive her away, this ghost i met on snow filled day

a challenge drawn between two friends, a distant smile that seemed to end

i called her name, reply not made, seems death had brought it’s famous grave

to bury any stint of love, by destruction, pull and fatal shove

when others entered & spread their lies, i knew that person’s friendship ties

were stronger and deeper than any fact; a web of hatred across my tract

for when approach was lonely done, no sight revealed the golden sun,

and so that girl with dreams and fears, retracted footsteps and stalked with spears

her eyes did burn and her mouth turned sour, alone i was in that mortal hour

the final pain began to flow, when laughing witch did cackle so

she saw her power, she knew the scent, of a fear induced where love was meant

she pointed at wondered beast that roared, and smiled in solemn victory of course

that fake princess, her silken whip, her deceit revealed from bum to lip

my fault of course, i turned to see, those salacious curves of destiny

but fate is cruel, my death was known & God’s fixed hatred a long time sown

& so i lie in falling white, a bitter end in frozen night

i cry no more for my end is here, the perk of this no final tear

a huddled lump, i lie in snow, a buried fool for you to know.

(c) Ed Simkins

God & I Beside the Sea

Blue day talks and asks of ship & beckons man to enter it.

to set afloat and sail the seas and take a challenge from defeat

but as boat sails and storms occur, the old man whispers, with God confers,

“What do i do? How do i survive? How the hell do i escape this hardship alive?”

& God replied and laughed and thought, considered this & then he taught

“Life’s storms are many, each day you’ll die, but life’s adventure is the reason why

you’ll find yourself in oceans blue, freezing, crying & quite scared too.”

Man looked up from shoreline rocks and shivered twice, as coldness knocked

“God, you gave me peace, you gave me land, throughout today you lent a hand,

so why when fear engulfed me whole, did you destroy my strength and soul?

You made me break, my ship collapsed, i cried out in horror & pained relapse.

Why send me back to hated times, that i repose in horrid rhymes?

Dear God, your ocean waves crashed down & wrecked my face in frightened frowns

Why I ask? Why despise? What purpose broken with blackened skies?”

“You see,” said God, who sat beside, “the reason that i made you cry

was just to check your progress made, to see you fight outside your cave,

to see that you have grown somewhat, & that sea or Black Dog leads you not

into fatal flight or hidden fright, and make you know that of tonight

a new year starts and adventures begin, that you will suffer, but that you will win

I’ll throw wolves and cliffs and biting kids, just to make you know that you should live

a life unknown, but not of fear, that you should enjoy the darkness

& the clear.”

(c) Ed Simkins