Consumed

God cares no more for the tears of a foolish man.

One who loves & wants & seeks & knows the child, the girl, the angel of his heart who lies before him in naked pose…

 

But dies.

 

For God, if man believed in such, knows nothing but how to hurt & cut & tear & destroy crippled man’s world.

He knows how to paint the dreams I have so black.

 

…Black!

 

This tortured epiphany of death, the cloud of time which takes all & leaves uncharted & unknown

Leaves me silent.

With hate for the dreams & hopes & eternal longing of broken men.

As such I am.

 

I kneel beside this naked corpse of my lover’s fine & youthful virgin land.

Beauty wrapped in golden silk & luscious white skin of tender age.

I love her.

Oh how I love her!

In death as in life I love her & no more will lips of joy be warm to touch

Or soft  nestling of her childlike chin breath happiness into finger tips which seek for her.

 

Hence I close my eyes.

& Tears dawdle upon my angered face.

Collective streams of memories flood my mind

& I hold her hand.

Cold & still.

 

Pain engulfed by pain rides through these veins of want.

 

I see no point

No purpose

No future morning sun without her.

 

I take the cut slowly.

 

Fingers of red rivers roll across my wrist.

 

Life subsides into forgotten dreams.

I lie beside her & cry.

I hold onto her.

 

Silence fills the world with stillness

& the leaves on autumn trees outside fall & wave goodbye.

 

 

© ed simkins

– life without her?

Lost.

I need a hug.

A sign of humanity.

Shared resilience

Acceptance of pain.

I’m dying alone.
I’m drugged & I’m tired & I’m battered & I find it hard to go on.
The world is in darkness.
& I feel the water flow.

Silent crystals etching out trouble
Staining my face which is ugly
I’ve seen the reflection
& I’ve seen how they run.

How close could you get
To the tears of a dead man?

Remember a soft kiss?
the last was a dream

& the echoes of that vibration shudder through my soul.
& I look at your picture.

I know that you’re smiling & that you’re a long way away.
I would die to behold you
& melt on your shoulder
Your arm firm around me.
Say that you love me
That the wait is still worth it.
That the end is so near
& that the dream will reappear.

I cried in the open
& the people they looked.
They saw nothing but frustration
Failure & pathetic-ness.

The laughed & they pointed & they saw my collapse.
I hid in the isles & broke down too badly.
Crawled to my carriage & hid in the darkness.
Wallowed in my failure & stared at the edge.

Dreams fall away & the lights need replacing.

Gone are the days when I cared for myself.
& the terror of self pity is a blanket I lie in.

~ a harsh night alone.
© ed simkins 2015

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

Dreams or Desire

Flesh is alive, her burgeoning skin.

She smiles and waves, her dark moist hair,

Talent is simple, her looks allure,

Curtain of crimson, drunk to entice

Mincing in stilettos, hidden by the glass.

She stands in black, bride of her youth.

Her golden smile, a payment in kind,

The mirrors reflect each movement she makes,

Whore to the world, & giver to none.

Music blares out and the outside is closed.

Distress is a scheme given by the king,

Shaken and torn by the prostitution of love.

Perfect curves and fakery in eyes,

A stolen child with a broken lost past

No wonder the destination is fours on the floor.

Blood and sweat, tears and her lips,

All entwined in the flickering flash of a thought

A neon light, cold water and bath

Dreams of an angel scream in her angst

Forged identities shatter her past

Hidden in bedrooms, families forget,

Child in her twenties, allowed to neglect

Lolita in fantasy, rhythm shakes deep,

Man fills her full, hate waves convulse.

Her perfect tan opulent in lies,

A deceit screams out in her paid ecstasy

Outside by the church, god talks of sympathy

His flock walks by, a mitigated falsehood.

And the delusions begin, He sees HER face,

He runs to the woman, the child in her dress,

An angel in death who brings him relief.

He calls out her name and their kisses they play

He holds her so close & her body relaxed

She disappears in arms, a cloud of the past,

Present unformed, the future guaranteed,

She leaves & she smiles, a dreamer beyond,

I watch without words of content or of soul,

A mishmash of ideas whirl & they smoke

Chase the impossible or live with the evils that surround?

Kiss the untouchable who creates a smile, a girl who he loves?

Or hold onto empty moments in the arms of the dead?

Either leads to the grave…but which route to his death?

Insanity of the dead? Or the frustration of the living?

Choices we make, are no choices at all.

Just the capriciousness of God who stands there above all.

~ Beauty I saw, Beauty I met, Beauty I dreamt of, Beauty an illusion?

© Ed Simkins

Stolen Laughter & Suicide.

Passion left.

Waving goodbye to the shadows behind.

& Perpetual Pain.

They say grow up.

& now I’m old.

Things don’t change too quickly.

I feel the time

Which echoes around.

The walls remain my silent friends.

Doors are shut & the curtains drawn.

I cannot go out.

My mind drags me back.

Mental frustration explodes as the world laughs out

& I sit & hide. In here.

Once I was god. But now a broken wreck.

I see your face. & friends persist.

But the long hours of solitude emphasise

The defeat I hold as mine.

Sure, crowd me in a room & watch me fall.

Watch me run or see me crack.

& you will know that I am still, a broken man.

The world still hates me & I regret

The illusions that I once believed in.

I spend my time just waiting. Dying. Thinking.

I cannot achieve, I cannot work.

I cannot accomplish nor concentrate.

Perhaps you only see me as a lazy son of bitch.

But I have a job & I know some folk quite well.

But no-one knows the secret darkness into which I crash & burn.

My mind is heavy & I’m tired now.

The smiles you see are aggrandised self delusions.

Dreams into which I sink my mind. Focus some say.

& I am better when I do not think.

But then I awake. & breathe.

& the pain comes back.

& the cycle repeats.

Yes, I wish I could be.

An island of tranquility.

~ An Honest Letter & enough said.

© Ed Simkins