Light Fades

So a dream disappears,
sunk beneath the waves of hope & want.
I cannot say I didn’t expect
But the tide of pain has squashed my nights with pain & tears.
Frustration builds and volcanic flows of untempered rage erupts
I stare in mid-distance loss
I can’t distinguish the thoughts that flit between my moments here.
Confused and dazed and regret & miffed.
I know not what happened, but that the girl of paradise flew from my life has broken heart.
& I’m with that I’m tired.
I’m looking out upon the fields of the future
A nervous stare which shows no signs of ceasing.
I don’t know where to go or in which direction should I turn.
Stuck as ever and trapped by hands of fate
& of course the broken mind.
The faulty fool which resides within this massacred mind of mine.

I breath.

I wish I could enter the minds of others.
Share their stories & empathise.
But I am locked away in my own pathetic little prison
& set for life.
My garden my only escape.
Minutes of sensation from another world
One in which no hands are kept, no lips are kissed & love is but a passion for life itself.
& then I return.
A darkened home.
Exams & veins about to burst
Plans & work which overwhelm.
To simply or multiply?
I have no answers left or dreams to chase.
The world is barren but for the sarcasm of the hate which spreads.
If I could die I would have shown my tomb the winning hand by now
But I am not to fade like that.
A have but yet a million more years in which to pain.
What is happiness I ask?
& how can anyone claim it as their friend?

A night of thought ensues & nothing more can be done.
21:52 & time to surrender to the collapse of the star outside.

~ a heavy day of thought after the collapse of friendship & yet another paineful crossroads of life.
© ed simkins

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Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

Life’s Too Heavy

All that’s life sails on by
Dreams which sing & flutter.
I’m lost in a world that doesn’t know
The sense of love which sends.

In dreaming in my deepest sleep
Imagination grows
in days which flow & roll & pass.
I sit & breath it in,

Though the air is cold & still my friend
I stare out of windows lit by flowers
& wonder at where the time it goes
As Stillness plays & silence screams.

With piano sung with peace & joy.
Calm, sullen jugs of heated liquor
Travel through the throat which writes
& covers itself in solemn darkness.

Clouds of melancholy stutter deeply
My heart it ponders the win-ability of life
& lays its weary head in shame.
Unforgotten, unloved, unknown.

Defeated perplexion
A rhyme of heartache tasked with love
Eyes which see refused to taste the sights of joy
Belly warm with strong contemplation

These moments gone drunk in spirits
In silent circumcision.
I’m drunk with life, & foolish too.
Forgotten how to walk or sing.

No girl, no sense, no purpose found
I lie within the garden of this cave
& fantasise with bottle brought
& await the arrival of my god.

So a last recount to you my friend
A tale of life which knows no bound
I see the world of humans pass
I see no future hymn to sing

Fate has blown me far away.
As silent statues talk of death.
A final swig of life & down
Broken dreams collapse to ground.

~ a heavy hand in thought does write this. Maybe one day you’ll understand.
© ed simkins

Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

Dreams Upon A Wall

would you say yes if love smiled wide? if it approached your door and knocked?

would you give it all the time of day? or politely turn it far away?

would you?

for on a wet wall outside your house, i sit and ponder. a dream fulfills my mind but flutters scared.

i recall the days, the girls, the doors which closed. i know my fate before the deed is called.

i see you walking through your warm rooms at night. i see you think and act and dream alone.

do you know i exist? do you care that i seek? that a human kind exists for you?

But a dark shadow freezes here. filled with fear, his nerves a mess.

i seek you temptress. but how, how i’m scared!

that passion sought is not the paine, but humiliation is, defeat.  the dreaded answer no.

a stupid boy.

one that’s stuck to distant wall.

i watch you dream & whispers call. repeat.

a cup of tea, a simple chat. a laugh and knowing smile.

a pleasant thought, a happy silence, the space between where no paine grows.

we’d talk and look, our eyes would flirt, and bitten lips would tease & lead.

our happy hearts would bounce and dance with loving joy that friendship brings.

& how we’d sing in silly games that children play in youthful times.

& roses wait upon your door.

for i’m scared to say, to let you know. so i walk off home & mix my tears with the pouring rain.

leave you there, through watered wooden window frames, & let you watch a wall where stranger sat.

as dark clouds journey through their twilight path, & bid farewell to dreams undone,

& slowly kiss with slight rejection, the man of truth upon your wall.

~ dreams are the things I have inside. reality i know, is unfathomable, without control.

(c) Ed Simkins

Death Indoors.

I am sick.

With death and fate and god’s illegal use of power.

He doesn’t care.

How could he?

He barely knows. Or thinks or sees.

I live alone.

In hedges by the roadside. In forest unseen.

You see the ghost that crumbles.

Of a shallow grave.

& I am sick.

I have been defeated. Again. Only this time by a simple clock.

One that tells the time & lies.

It breaks my heart and laughs and throws it’s shitty hands up and says ’oh what? Did you seek illusion?’

& I reply in tears.

Frustrated collapse that ends in drugs.

I pity myself. & anger flows.

A ritual you will see again in time & time & time & time again.

My life you see.

Circle of doubt. Of fear. Of broken phallic illusions.

All dreams gone.

So I hold the gun against my head. I clock the hammer.

I hold my breath and pull.

God hates me. That’s all I know.

I worship death.

For who cares what resides within a shell shocked heart?

A quiet night.

Failure announced at the door. A reliable friend.

I cannot but play the song again.

For I might as well lose myself in the well of paine and angst.

& Fill the bath and drown insane.

As Night closes in and the moon walks by.

~ I am pretty shit at many things. & dreams are always defeated.

© Ed Simkins

From King I fall

each word unseen. a flying wisp. ideas born.

dreams torn. girls die. seeds sown. frustration. death.

he kills again.

he dies. he fades & torture remains your thing.

you expect no sound though last breath gargles?

murder by hand or silence. or hate or maybe thought?

yours.

not mine.

murder me.

stand and watch & scream & laugh.

i care nothing for your abattoir skills.

eyes that cut. or words which slice.

result the same. defeat. fatigue. failed attempts to love. or breathe.

from king to abject poverty.

you stare. & watch upon the change in my relief.

i care nothing for you.

& in these moments of delusion i see my own hands in my own collapse.

i regret. i loathe & tear & spit.

i worship fate & terror takes hold.

my drugs.

i scream for drugs. i need my drugs.

illusions sown in winds of sand. breeze blows & my mind appears.

random. torn. heterosexual angst.

epiphany.

or moral turpitude. you see me as no man does.

from king to pauper in thirty hours time.

a genial God look as i sit now before you failed.

beast & sinner.

i long for love. the torture of her face.

instead i i look at you bowed. my body bleeding & reposed in slumber.

i cannot win without you near.

come.

speak to me & save my soul.

i plead. i beg.

~ From Love & desire to hate & self-defeat in two simple days.

(c) Ed Simkins

The three daughters of God

Number one was the girl in the pink bikini. a delicious little swimmer in her first flush of love.

she smiled and cried as i kissed her lips. i couldn’t help but hold her down.

she teased me with her wriggling hair. wet & long & her legs so slim.

the thinnest bands of marshmallow pink. a tiny ribbon that fluttered by her side.

& her eyes and smiles – such sweet perfection! she swam to me and her arms flowed round.

such were nimble dreams and sweet innocence.

Number two was god; she knew my name. i kissed her skin and i wished she knew how much i loved her.

she told me of her news & my tears fell. she’s leaving soon for my fate is ill.

her tender breasts and perfect hair, her painted feet and ad hoc nails; she makes me laugh.

she turns me over and breaks my heart. a rolling mess of desire. i long for her.

i wish to taste a strong embrace, i’d keep her happy if she only knew.

but lines are drawn and the words are wrong. one minute i’m king, the next i’m not.

& Number 3 is the girl who killed. the girl who fled. the one who banished life and slit her wrists.

whether the darkness takes over, i cannot tell, but the car is packed and these streets may pass.

i will stand at her door and worship god. the way he hates, the way he tears this man apart.

i will kiss her as she sleeps, as i always do. & wish that she were mine this night.

such are the dreams i hold on this Valentines day.

.

~ the three most important girls in my life

(c) Ed Simkins