Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

wounded tiger

Happy smiles of golden mask
Which end in tears of solemn rage
Rejected buffoon which plays the fool
& tiger ensnared in cage.
No escape is made for time
for man who tries & dies
on every road I wander down
as time of mine it flies.
but plane shot down & weary ship
Where every wave he sails
Brings down shit like broken masts
& coffins complete with nails.
these echoes made of glories past
Where once i stood and smiled
I by now a distant hero
where every loss is trialled.
Sinking fast as forest glares
a tiger ‘fraid of striking out
my starving dreams i’m weary off
Continue years of drought.
Tiger crawled, approached his prey
Mask worn & manners held
But youthful princess knew my plans
ensured all trees were felled.
With dejected heart I could not close
In dusk I couldn’t approach
& every question asked in glee
Suffered a fatal reproach.
I wished to bite, to lap her up
To tear her clothes & see her sweat
But fate is cruel & such a game
Sees me foiled, & then I’m set.
On long walk home with laughs behind
From crowds of demons who reject
& so I stumble to this lonely spot
Where no-one will detect.
Where no-one sees me cry & bleed
& wish for blissful death
For I tried to break, I tried to strike
I longed for naked breath.
But death comes close & breaks my heart
In darkest night I fail
Her rejection causes such cruel pain
…Under moonlight cold & pail.

~ another utter rout.
© ed simkins

AM 5:04

Failed life.
Death is stalking.
Light of laughter
Dreams are broken

Eyes strain
Burn, yearn
Fallen lies
Confinement made.

Passion builds
An empty joke
My tears strive
Released in flow.

No thoughts but death
A silent night
Of pain engulfs
These ageing hands.

Ripped cuts in skin
Crimson tears they stream
Slow escape from fate
Dreams which break.

Silk kisses please
But memories fade
Bask in beauty born
If life were dreams.

~ too late too sleep
© ed simkins

Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

Death Indoors.

I am sick.

With death and fate and god’s illegal use of power.

He doesn’t care.

How could he?

He barely knows. Or thinks or sees.

I live alone.

In hedges by the roadside. In forest unseen.

You see the ghost that crumbles.

Of a shallow grave.

& I am sick.

I have been defeated. Again. Only this time by a simple clock.

One that tells the time & lies.

It breaks my heart and laughs and throws it’s shitty hands up and says ’oh what? Did you seek illusion?’

& I reply in tears.

Frustrated collapse that ends in drugs.

I pity myself. & anger flows.

A ritual you will see again in time & time & time & time again.

My life you see.

Circle of doubt. Of fear. Of broken phallic illusions.

All dreams gone.

So I hold the gun against my head. I clock the hammer.

I hold my breath and pull.

God hates me. That’s all I know.

I worship death.

For who cares what resides within a shell shocked heart?

A quiet night.

Failure announced at the door. A reliable friend.

I cannot but play the song again.

For I might as well lose myself in the well of paine and angst.

& Fill the bath and drown insane.

As Night closes in and the moon walks by.

~ I am pretty shit at many things. & dreams are always defeated.

© Ed Simkins

From King I fall

each word unseen. a flying wisp. ideas born.

dreams torn. girls die. seeds sown. frustration. death.

he kills again.

he dies. he fades & torture remains your thing.

you expect no sound though last breath gargles?

murder by hand or silence. or hate or maybe thought?

yours.

not mine.

murder me.

stand and watch & scream & laugh.

i care nothing for your abattoir skills.

eyes that cut. or words which slice.

result the same. defeat. fatigue. failed attempts to love. or breathe.

from king to abject poverty.

you stare. & watch upon the change in my relief.

i care nothing for you.

& in these moments of delusion i see my own hands in my own collapse.

i regret. i loathe & tear & spit.

i worship fate & terror takes hold.

my drugs.

i scream for drugs. i need my drugs.

illusions sown in winds of sand. breeze blows & my mind appears.

random. torn. heterosexual angst.

epiphany.

or moral turpitude. you see me as no man does.

from king to pauper in thirty hours time.

a genial God look as i sit now before you failed.

beast & sinner.

i long for love. the torture of her face.

instead i i look at you bowed. my body bleeding & reposed in slumber.

i cannot win without you near.

come.

speak to me & save my soul.

i plead. i beg.

~ From Love & desire to hate & self-defeat in two simple days.

(c) Ed Simkins

Breakup

tonight death stalks me;

a bride in red.

flaxen hair. her perfect face.

i spit blood & cry.

for dreams end in a lonely night.

destruction rife. a broken home.

she stands there .

clothed and beautiful. crying. in paine.

& my heart sinks as the water of the waves takes over.

i kneel & fall.

i love her & i cannot breathe.

she hates. she trembles. & none of the words i want to say comes forth or helps.

she shivers. shrieks. i cannot stop the pain. i cannot stop her.

her hair is wired and makeup bludgeoned all over her face.

my bruises ache. heart torn.

my efforts long surrendered.

i want to save the world. to make it alright. but where is God? where is help?

Where is anyone to tell her to stay? to explain. to show her the way.

& so i touch her.

god,  i touch her. i hold her hand and feel the smoothness of her skin.

our eyes connect. we pause the fight.

i’m trembling. she’s furious. but she’s still a child.

& i broke her.

& my regret is chained.

i feel the weight & the burden of her love.

she reaches for me with her lips and our tears merge.

she whispers soft apologies and slowly, frustratedly walks away.

& i feel the vessels in my heart tear themselves apart.

& i see her leave.

~ too long indoors makes the memories play

(c) Ed Simkins

you break me

your face still burns.

my mind eyes sees & smiles.

i kiss you.

you taste of air.

– – – – –

a wondering sense of loss

a strange removal

distance built between two loves

yours has died.

mine lives on.

– – – – –

two naked children left alone

a girl of such sunny disposition

& a boy who dreams and bleeds in wrists.

she cries for him.

he needs her.

– – – – –

i stand before her and watch her smile.

delicious pain flows through my mind.

tears roll.

she’s died.

– – – – –

we stand again and gaze in eyes.

hers dreaming.

mine dying.

people hate and stand between.

no longer can i touch you.

– – – – –

my heart breaks and falls.

young skin pleases

teases

walks away.

– – – – –

if i could hold you

if i could love you

if i could make you smile.

then all my dreams

all my dreams

would fix us

– – – – –

and i let you go.

i let you die.

i let the dream of you escape my brain.

fantasy kissed. fantasy held.

you stand so prettily.

you break me.

~ thoughts about the girl who died, & more about the girl unseen. i love them both.

(c) Ed Simkins