Frustration

I’m losing my mind.
Trapped with these walls of stone.
Lost within a world in which I have no say.
No control.
No way to do the things I wish to do.
Or bring her close.

& there she is,
Fate herself.
The perfect one.
Naked.

That smile.
That face.
That body.
All within my mind.

I’m lost.

I cross the lines of sanity when I’m with her.
I laugh & joke & play & tease & freedom shows no knowing concern.

& then I’m here.
Here within my cell of life .
& I’m obsessed.
Addicted.
Forced to be without her.

Life is cruel.
Life is bland.
Life…is the rocks beneath this cliff upon which I stand…
Without her.

I bow my head to fate.
I know my role.
My curtailed situation.
I know I dream.
I know I love.

The day it ends is always a day too soon.
& another lonely day folds without her.

– the weekend.
© ed simkins 2016

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I cry for Earth.

That god hates the world is true.
No man nor power would suffer this world for fate
No jest exists in mythical beasts of sky
Or heavens sold for departed faith.

I call, like Nietzsche, to rid the world
Of angry, joyless human beings
I’d bin such men well in discarded rubbish brought
& bid all of life farewell, unkind.

The flowers & the plants are friends today,
The only scrape of purpose left in life
Save the planet they say & think
Of peace brought at our human cost.

A world of beauty, true & clean
The honest play in sacrificial game
Where power takes its central role
& no sacred lies are told to hide its crown

The weak are dead & flowers grow
Numbers of the sane in check & then
Survival kept by those deserved
& beauty seen by god’s true crowd.

But a frightful race which mocks, destroys & kills;
A hideous bunch of selfish voices
Ego’s spilt on prisoned floors
& all for the murder of precious dreams

So who is god that partakes, allows
A creature known as sick or base
Allows the wonder of the world to die in pain
As the foul stench pervades, expands.

I miss my earth
I miss the times spent in beauty known
Imprisoned now within the terror of a sick social fate
Where no-one cares & no-one knows.

I wish that beauty had conquered all.

~ nature versus the race of man.
© ed simkins

Girl not there.

Window reflects a waiting man,
With collar tight & hat pulled down.
The wind is up & the rain falls fast,
A heavy heart & nervous cast.
Lady vanished or not to face,
As Man stares glumly out at space.
In minutes past his life has changed,
The woman loved has left today.
He waits for bus, he waits for cars,
But puddles rise in waves of stars.
Sunken feeling as lover’s part,
His beauty elsewhere, plays no part.
His clothes soak through & night time calls,
As Moon ascends & Sunday falls.
He‘d hoped to win her through & more,
To see her smile & see love soar.
To dance with her & ask her out,
To tell her feelings or maybe shout.
For as you know, Man’s heart is true,
But broken now, in black & blue,
A simple dream he seeks to own,
To watch in arms desire grown.
But fate has come & intervened,
With sadness found; Shakespearean scene.
Where Romeo finds his princess dead
& lets these things mess with worried head,
& so to cave the man returns,
Writing of a love that burns.
He sits on down & music plays,
In repetition, pain delayed.
False hope my friends bares man no scars,
But bows its head to evening stars.
Tomorrow soon, perhaps he’ll ask,
& find himself in love’s true task,
Man may try, when eyes will see,
Her pretty face, her smiling glee.
& look upon the charms of missing girl,
& discover then, if love unfurls.
Til then He hides & plans his dreams,
Perhaps tomorrow in love He’ll be.

~ No sign of her, but the butterflies persist.

© Ed Simkins

From King I fall

each word unseen. a flying wisp. ideas born.

dreams torn. girls die. seeds sown. frustration. death.

he kills again.

he dies. he fades & torture remains your thing.

you expect no sound though last breath gargles?

murder by hand or silence. or hate or maybe thought?

yours.

not mine.

murder me.

stand and watch & scream & laugh.

i care nothing for your abattoir skills.

eyes that cut. or words which slice.

result the same. defeat. fatigue. failed attempts to love. or breathe.

from king to abject poverty.

you stare. & watch upon the change in my relief.

i care nothing for you.

& in these moments of delusion i see my own hands in my own collapse.

i regret. i loathe & tear & spit.

i worship fate & terror takes hold.

my drugs.

i scream for drugs. i need my drugs.

illusions sown in winds of sand. breeze blows & my mind appears.

random. torn. heterosexual angst.

epiphany.

or moral turpitude. you see me as no man does.

from king to pauper in thirty hours time.

a genial God look as i sit now before you failed.

beast & sinner.

i long for love. the torture of her face.

instead i i look at you bowed. my body bleeding & reposed in slumber.

i cannot win without you near.

come.

speak to me & save my soul.

i plead. i beg.

~ From Love & desire to hate & self-defeat in two simple days.

(c) Ed Simkins

To you, most beautiful girl.

Tonight you lie in silk & a whisper I hereby send to you.

Dear ……,
Alight those pillows, release my love
In pleasant dreams & let me pleasure you.
Let my soft kisses address your perfect lips
& allow these feelings sent to warm your fragile heart.

For I love you.

I see your pretty face & it kills me so.
Your porcelain skin, embarrassed red.
Another worried sign & my heart will break.
Your frightened face so sweet, so becoming, so adorable.
So very cute.

& I adore you.
But I cannot tell.
& with that I die a million hidden deaths!
For I would love to hold your hand!
To have you rest your beautiful weary head against me.
& I would hold you until you smiled. Til peace overcame you. Til sleep took over.
& I would leave a single precious kiss pressed gently against your temple.
Framed.
By your immaculate hair.
Plaited. Long. Delicious.
Flowing locks of fantasies,
Silken strands which tease my mind.

But I cannot touch.
Though your striking eyes lure me in,
When raised from nervous escape.
& then & when, oh flirtatious eyes collide & you smile…
Starburst!
& A thousand million longing dreams!
But lady when I see you cry. If but just a single tear.
My god, I reach for you! Though I dare not show & break your trust.
Or cusp so delicately your reddened cheeks so perfectly formed.
But drown alone within your gentle voice, which sighs & hopes & joys.
.
Lord & Friends & distant Family, such a girl was never made by human hands!
So tender. Timid. & oh so sweet.
Divine.

& yes, Dear …… you make my world shine.
Though you cannot see. Or care.
But could anyone appreciate or love you more than I?
& so, how cruel that fate will never set
These loyal lips against your warm & girlish innocent skin.

Oh I wish you could love me.

Such as I love you.

~ I write about a dream I cannot hold. A beautiful, charming, endearing dream.
© Ed Simkins

The three daughters of God

Number one was the girl in the pink bikini. a delicious little swimmer in her first flush of love.

she smiled and cried as i kissed her lips. i couldn’t help but hold her down.

she teased me with her wriggling hair. wet & long & her legs so slim.

the thinnest bands of marshmallow pink. a tiny ribbon that fluttered by her side.

& her eyes and smiles – such sweet perfection! she swam to me and her arms flowed round.

such were nimble dreams and sweet innocence.

Number two was god; she knew my name. i kissed her skin and i wished she knew how much i loved her.

she told me of her news & my tears fell. she’s leaving soon for my fate is ill.

her tender breasts and perfect hair, her painted feet and ad hoc nails; she makes me laugh.

she turns me over and breaks my heart. a rolling mess of desire. i long for her.

i wish to taste a strong embrace, i’d keep her happy if she only knew.

but lines are drawn and the words are wrong. one minute i’m king, the next i’m not.

& Number 3 is the girl who killed. the girl who fled. the one who banished life and slit her wrists.

whether the darkness takes over, i cannot tell, but the car is packed and these streets may pass.

i will stand at her door and worship god. the way he hates, the way he tears this man apart.

i will kiss her as she sleeps, as i always do. & wish that she were mine this night.

such are the dreams i hold on this Valentines day.

.

~ the three most important girls in my life

(c) Ed Simkins

one day in seven

from plus to minus i let the words roll out, an uninhibited politician who cannot lie.

i joke around & fear controls.

it is not the falsehoods i hide but truth & honesty. for you would kill me if you knew.

i look to her for integrity, a generous lady with wealth & love

i look to him, my friend, for support & sanity.

my sister laughs & rolls her eyes

my friends they shoot the breeze & tear themselves away, my mind its free in select & chosen groups.

but this secret i cannot, will not tell. vote for me i’ll say & i will burn you alive.

cause yes, i’m the top notch MP. but fuck that you’d say!

my girl stands before & my eyes reveal the embarrassment of it all

of how i want & how i need. of all desires to hold you there.

you should see me when we talk, & i wonder if she knows, i want to ask,

do you see me worshiping lips that i’ll never touch,

your skin that i cannot enjoy or stroke

or my gaze that roams across your fine female body,

do you know i ache for you & that i am scared? that i’m afraid to tell!

can you see how i fail to control myself, that i stutter in your very presence?

but maybe i am the devil’s son & these lies i tell for you.

to hide, to protect you from the truth.

that this man before you worships you.

that i cannot stand the distance that you run.

but that i cannot stand not losing you at all.

if only a god would help.

~ when desire is not allowed to love

(c) Ed Simkins