Quiet.

A stillness born of death pervades my room.
I’m sat here.
Silent.

I’m tired.
Weary.
Mind screaming war-worn tales of

Confusion.

Thoughts which dangle around the cord around my neck.
To pull or jump.
To hide or fall.

Shadows mock the sights portrayed.
Notions of success & lover’s loved.
That I was king but now a tramp.

I breathe & mind stumbles towards an exit known.
In death can dreams become a golden shrine.
& the earth will give me gentle rest.

I seek escape.

~ a late night film & broken thoughts
© ed simkins 2015

Fading

My heart is stuck & glued & bolted fast like planks upon the roof of my old house
Attached to you.

I write to you.

A buffoon of sixty-four & twenty-two, a guy, a girl & something true
all the thrills you give to me.
& far beyond the sacred tones of pleasantry
& dreams persist.

You take no stake in knowing that these eyes which look upon your naked face,
smiles & dreams & longs for you.
Believes in you.
Screams for you!

I, The man next door, or secret bore.
Or friend unknown or thoughtless count.
A rich man seen
In discarded time.

Girl, Stand before & let me show the world & all of you that I desire & wish & breathe & pause for you.

But you’re moving on.
& more I die.
A tear shed.
The broken cry.

Imagine that the world were books & I could speak my mind & look
Upon those lips which smile & eyes which shine in glee.
& stories bold would I tell to thee!
How much I love.

Or arms in those moments in which you freeze, would I gently squeeze & spark your heart, if I were just a happy part of the world you own.
Instead, bemoan.
& lonely aches echo across a silent page in lover’s rage.
For I want you girl. I always have.

& I see your face.
I worship you.
I’m in awe of you.
Besmitten & in need of you.

Your pretty face. Your luscious skin, Your cheeky eyes I wander in.
I smile & laugh & seek to kiss,
A slow, sweet teasing invitation miss
But love remains untold & secret desire will soon turn cold
For as winter flicks its deadly knife & takes you far away from life
I’ll slowly fade from thoughts you see & my eyes will lose their hope for thee.
But I bid you well,
That you should live
But not without this love I give.

~ i see her drifting further and further away & she doesn’t know of how much i care.
(c) Ed Simkins 2015

The last song

Death is an echo of the dreams I once had
Emptied in fashions which came in a fad
Chains of disaster curve round my soul
Taking me deeper, lost in the ground.
A world full of darkness eats at my mind
Beauty of innocent spent on the child
Corruption of my fate leading to death
& Sold to the fortune I spoke with my breath.

Crimson was the colour of the dream I begun
Earning from poverty another new sun
Woke up & dreamt, cried & I yearn
Fueling the imagination, sinew to burn
Caring little for nothing & dreaming of my fear
Wishing you were lovely, hoping you were near.
You called out my name & I took you backstage
Thrashed out my anger & i hit you with rage
I cried in your pockets & tore up your dress
& spat out my fury in a need to impress.

I lie in my own filth, broken, forlorn
Needles & injections, battered & torn
Who’d have thought life which I once happily loved
Would kill all of Europe & find it all stuffed.
I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to tease
I wanted to love you, I wanted to please
But you hated my words & you threatened my life
All because of my heat & your own mental strife.

Habits are repetitive, they burden & they kill,
Seemed I could not take you, or bend you to my will
Stairs were a danger & I threw you straight down
& I laughed so sincerely, with the blood on your crown
Relationships end, & you hated me so
But I loved you my woman, though you never seemed to know.
Frustration’s volcanic, it eats & it burns
& each night you kept silent, I longed & I yearned
I want you beside me, I want your sweet smile
& I would kill everything, if only for a while

But dreams they are a-failing & I’m lost in my way
& I’ll wake up without you, yet another grey day
The glass on the stair well, the shit on the street
& the business I go to, which leaves stains on my feet
My heart it is broken, cause love never wins
& I’m guilty of loving, it’s a fortune of sin.

~ a bad night of regret & longing
(c) ed simkins

In the silence inbetween.

Dreams kill & ache & bleed & cry in rooms of silence, dark in tone.
I love you. A repeated phrase which you say remains unknown.
– It is to you.

A sparkling dress of want flutters like candle dust around your skin & the light blinks out.
You’re gone.
But I picture you there.
– Your smile which kills.
A web of deceit, or the lust of youth?
Or that fools tear themselves in dreams I fear & I hate?
For loss is great!
For even for a night, a night in which so much was gained & the flesh which surrounds you dances & burns,
Teases & forces gyrations of desire from a friend who adores
& falls gently away.
Or was that just you?
& another nights gone.

But now in soft light with whiskey & gin & a light which frustrates.
& A mind which lurks
& Seeks
Begs for you.
Says that I love you.
& I love you!

Theses hypnotic chants & screamed repetitions filter the pain,
For there’s torture in knowing you.
For this grief in desire.
Of want.
Of love.
For you.

So come to my arms my love.
Rest gently deep within them.
& Tell me your secrets tonight.
Let me bask in your glory.

Oh, I recognise your escape. I know of desire.
I know of your world, of your beautiful chances.
But allow me to love you & I’d grant you the stars
I’d make you a princess
I’d make you my queen!

But let love flow around you.
& let it be mine.

~ Her silence is torture
© ed simkins

The Reason Why.

She was eighteen when we fell in love.
Engaged by twenty
Married twenty two.
Life existed in a fantasy bottle of fizzy pop and our dreams were real.
We had no plans.
No need for purpose.
We just ran our naked way down the road of life and caught as many clichés as we could along the way:
We sang in baths, we roamed in fields,
We danced at night, we loved each morning.
& the neighbours wished us well for our star-born fun.
She laughed and cried, for this was love.

Or was.

At twenty-nine she died one night.
She walked outside to smoke and cancer grew
A fate we feared but never knew.
Heartache broke when the coffin lay
& the roses red; they piled up.
Her family cried, mine moved away
& the tombstone grief was all I knew.

The rainbows fell and the clouds grew dark
Tears would rain each Sunday night.
& solemn doom would fill the cave
How could anyone carry on when life itself was dead?

But now it’s past just midnight dark
& I’m wanting love,
or at least a hug
& the lights are out and the music’s soft
Ephemeral thoughts still plague the mind.
& the notion of this girl I know, it pulls me down.
For I see the past in every move she makes
& I wonder what my love of old would make of this.
But I’m too scared to try
Too scared to speak.

A tear falls and the day fades out.
I miss my wife.
I miss her kiss.
I can’t believe in God; He doesn’t seem to exist.

Maybe one day a stranger will scream and shout
& grab my hand and sing and drag me out
But with you & dreams I’ll hide in here.
Filled with warmth and safety now
A mind of doubt
& waves of fear.

~ everyone hides the truth of who they are.
© ed simkins

Broken

Welcome to the home of the most hated man.
A man who disgusts even himself
& I am that man.
Ugly and foolish, pathetic and weak.
A man who can loves
But witness death in his soul.
Dreams that once blossom cry in the garden
Rain that is pouring
Is years as his driving.
A disaster this evening
Tragic and dull
Woman of beauty
Threatened to kill.
Sunken and discarded
Broken and dead
Rejected like a dumb-ass
Failed in the art.
Blood on his lone wrist
Cut by the knife which wounds as he speaks
Little does she see him
As they dance in the air
What happened to the smiles which protruded and soar?
What happened to the banter that spread into joy?
What happened to promise & desire
& those blissful eyes which gazed into mine?
Suddenly I’m shot,
I’m drowning or I’m cut
Thrown to the wolves like a carcass of distress
All in a word? Or was it a phrase?
I have no idea what happened but I suffer the fall
Glory all gone, dreams lie shattered
Tears in her eyes
Frustration in mine.
The darkness is falling
& the time it gets late
Hence I sit here broken
The famed man of hate.

~ an absolute disaster with HER.
© ed simkins. Joke.

Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

Tears of Blood Red

Tear
Red line drawn
Shaking, tremble
Passion
Sorrow

Paine
Crimson
Reduction Pulsing
Memories hurt
These tears are red

Silent breathing
Stickiness
Scarlet syrup
Sharp blade tight
Sadness overwhelmed

The face distraught
Distorts
A lonely night
In abject fear
Alone

The waves burdening
Sinking
I’m tired
Weary
Frustrated

I don’t know any other way
These tears flow steadily
The world is full of strangers
& the brain is a failure
Starved of success

Meaning devoid
These droplets of rich red blood
Trickle on white skin in contrast
Life is ebbing
Fading

The roses you took
& faces which steal
Achievements empty
change too difficult.
Eyes close & I’m drifting

~ full of rage & full of pain. A horrible night.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins