Midnight Suicide.

Hurting.
Crying.
Another late night.

Falling.
Breaking.
Mind caving in.

Face wet with tears
Heavy hand burdened
Death blowing sweet kiss.

Days end in collapse
Strength an illusion
Pathetic humiliation.

Unable to break out
Frustrated by limits
Entrapped by my dreams

Screaming through these old ribs
Frightened by my own age
Terrified by hers.

Loser to everything
Hated by all
Unknown by everyone

Dreams an illusion
Empty with frustration
Once was a child.

Exhausted by fighting
Missing her last kiss
Afraid of tomorrow

Desperate to return
To the days of my kingship
So long without love

Expressing my failure
Knowing my weakness
My midnight suicide.

~ what more needs saying? Another painful night.
© ed simkins

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Tears of Blood Red

Tear
Red line drawn
Shaking, tremble
Passion
Sorrow

Paine
Crimson
Reduction Pulsing
Memories hurt
These tears are red

Silent breathing
Stickiness
Scarlet syrup
Sharp blade tight
Sadness overwhelmed

The face distraught
Distorts
A lonely night
In abject fear
Alone

The waves burdening
Sinking
I’m tired
Weary
Frustrated

I don’t know any other way
These tears flow steadily
The world is full of strangers
& the brain is a failure
Starved of success

Meaning devoid
These droplets of rich red blood
Trickle on white skin in contrast
Life is ebbing
Fading

The roses you took
& faces which steal
Achievements empty
change too difficult.
Eyes close & I’m drifting

~ full of rage & full of pain. A horrible night.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

The Sleeping Field

i wonder what it’s like to love.
That strange affliction which hides its scars.
I pause for thought as no memory returns. No photos emerge of former times.
Join me. Sit beside me. For tonight I rest upon the bench which bears her name.

Blossoms grow & burst & fall within the gentle breeze. She liked it here.
The gentle walks. The holding hands.
She’d smile as the spring birds whistled & sang their orchestrated tunes.
She kissed me here.

I look around. & I see a pretty girl with auburn hair.
A gentle face which smiles through her own regretting tears. Another loss?
& I build up dreams of her & wish we’d speak. But fear of pain holds me back. Enforced retreat. I’m scared to try. To even venture from this bench.

We argued once. Surrounded by the silent snow which fell.
& by the end, her tears had soaked the coat I wore more than any flakes which danced & trod upon the shores of my shoulders still.
I held her there. Held her close & tight & made her know I dreamt of her.
She smiled & kissed me softly through her passioned lips so wet.

I couldn’t say if my heart was full that day or I was already bleeding through my longing for her.
Even when she sat beside me.
Upon this bench which now bears her name – Her sacred name.
& I gaze from stranger dreams & focus back upon this stone.

Black enamel gloss; stone of heaven.
She lies there sweetly.
The girl i thought I loved.
My wife.

& the cherry trees sway their silent praise in pearls of pink & pristine white.
Cemeteries made for thought.
A single tear bows & falls.
I miss her.

& the stranger walks away the same.
& I wonder what it’s like to be in love.
The summer sun wanes & fades.
& I wish she’d return tomorrow.

To that girl within the sleeping field.
I miss you.
With all my heart & aching soul.
I miss you.

~ beauty & pain combine so often. I can only sigh in wonder.
© ed simkins

you break me

your face still burns.

my mind eyes sees & smiles.

i kiss you.

you taste of air.

– – – – –

a wondering sense of loss

a strange removal

distance built between two loves

yours has died.

mine lives on.

– – – – –

two naked children left alone

a girl of such sunny disposition

& a boy who dreams and bleeds in wrists.

she cries for him.

he needs her.

– – – – –

i stand before her and watch her smile.

delicious pain flows through my mind.

tears roll.

she’s died.

– – – – –

we stand again and gaze in eyes.

hers dreaming.

mine dying.

people hate and stand between.

no longer can i touch you.

– – – – –

my heart breaks and falls.

young skin pleases

teases

walks away.

– – – – –

if i could hold you

if i could love you

if i could make you smile.

then all my dreams

all my dreams

would fix us

– – – – –

and i let you go.

i let you die.

i let the dream of you escape my brain.

fantasy kissed. fantasy held.

you stand so prettily.

you break me.

~ thoughts about the girl who died, & more about the girl unseen. i love them both.

(c) Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins