The futility of love.

I want to hold her.
Really hold her.
To my chest.
To my heart.

I’m in love
& I’m in pain.
I’m pleasured
& I’m sick.

I grieve for I know the truth.
In a year she departs.
Gone.
Leaving for a foreign land.

& I know this.
I shed tears because of this.
I gaze into her eyes and I know this.
My tears fall because of this.

How can love bring so much pain?
How can life be so cruel & bring so many smiles?
How can she be this perfect & so close to me
& yet engaged in a fading act of dying?

i love her.

© ed simkins 2016
– torture is my grief, love the cause.

17:42

Trapped.
Bored.
Her face, her voice, her fine young body lodged firmly within my mind.
I’m plagued by want.

Now what?
What can I do to alleviate this pain?
All I do is mope & long & want & dream
& hunger fills my thoughts with such strong desire.

Yet there’s nothing I can do.

Time without her kills.
It burns.
It cuts.
It hurts.

She drifts away on a daily tide & each weekend she sails the world by ocean light
& here I wait…
An empty vessel
My harbour quiet
Still
Lifeless.

I ache with excitement when she’s around
& I smile & gallop & climb a thousand trees for fun.
& then she’s gone.
& I’m left to rot.
A futile jester all alone.

I love her my friends.
I love her more than I can ever know myself.

& I’m scared.

I’m scared by death & the end which comes.
I’m scared by the daily goodbye.
I’m scared by the moments I know in which she’s not there.
& I’m scared that I own no control.

I have never felt so in love my friends
So excited & joyful & happy & free
& torn by doubt & pain & want
What can I do my friends?

But die in love & loneliness.

– Life is cruel in its complexity.
© ed simkins

With Her

Her eyes are alight. She’s laughing.
She’s killing me.

I’m dying for this love.
For this love I know will disappear.

I don’t know what to do, she controls my heart.
I drive along, the tears start.

With her I’m alive, I’m insane, I’m in love.
She radiates such warmth that I cannot deny.

She presses against and she teases me so.
Her secret is safe as I gaze in her eyes.

I’m in love & I sing, a clown & I fool.
I gallop & I praise & I grin like a God.

& then she is gone & my heart sinks like a stone.
Sitting in darkness, a whole different tone.

Love is such misery, I’m confused and frustrated
Dying to hear her, to touch her, to please.

– in love.
© ed simkins 2016

No Way to Save

Frustrated tears grace her cheeks
I see them fall & join.
Her heartache erupts in broken sighs
I die
As she collapses in tortured shakes
& shoulders weep.
I burn inside.
No idea of how to save this child who cries.
I ache & crash as angel calls.
I surrender to fear, inside I’m small.
I love my girl.
But I cannot reach.
I’m cut off & scared
& been pushed away.
Her shattered face speaks of loss
& beauty blooms in watered rolls.
She’s cold.
Alone.
& I’m standing there.
Rooted to the spot insane.
My soul surrounds, I’m keeping her close
I’m telling her it’s fine, that’s she everything known.
But I’m silent.
& scared.
& the earthquake is great.
The bridges tear
Communications down
I gaze at her wonder, at the beauty of her form
I’m desperate for her smile
For this fire to burn out.
For her to hit me or kill me
Scream or please shout.
But she stands there & she’s drowning
& her tears break into flood.
I’m rooted & I’m weak & I’m losing my love.
Her image fades fast & she’s moving from view
Soon she is walking & the distance benign
Now but a ghost
& lost deep in time.
I still hear the echoes, & the pain in her voice
Lost to the grave
Lost without choice.

~ having played Taylor Swift’s ‘Last Kiss’ & seeing this occur. Another experience still hurts.
© ed simkins

Life’s Too Heavy

All that’s life sails on by
Dreams which sing & flutter.
I’m lost in a world that doesn’t know
The sense of love which sends.

In dreaming in my deepest sleep
Imagination grows
in days which flow & roll & pass.
I sit & breath it in,

Though the air is cold & still my friend
I stare out of windows lit by flowers
& wonder at where the time it goes
As Stillness plays & silence screams.

With piano sung with peace & joy.
Calm, sullen jugs of heated liquor
Travel through the throat which writes
& covers itself in solemn darkness.

Clouds of melancholy stutter deeply
My heart it ponders the win-ability of life
& lays its weary head in shame.
Unforgotten, unloved, unknown.

Defeated perplexion
A rhyme of heartache tasked with love
Eyes which see refused to taste the sights of joy
Belly warm with strong contemplation

These moments gone drunk in spirits
In silent circumcision.
I’m drunk with life, & foolish too.
Forgotten how to walk or sing.

No girl, no sense, no purpose found
I lie within the garden of this cave
& fantasise with bottle brought
& await the arrival of my god.

So a last recount to you my friend
A tale of life which knows no bound
I see the world of humans pass
I see no future hymn to sing

Fate has blown me far away.
As silent statues talk of death.
A final swig of life & down
Broken dreams collapse to ground.

~ a heavy hand in thought does write this. Maybe one day you’ll understand.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

A room in black & white.

Late night futility.
Dreams that end in stillborn terror.
Dark days fail.
Winter jest remains.

A voice of death claims its love for you, departs
A solemn procession through the mind.
I tried to kiss you once
You turned your head & sighed.

Passion held its tongue.
Religion exists no more in glimpses told.
A heavy blanket calls my name & beckons me.
Nude symphony of flesh has gone.

An open window, wind breeze & cool.
Silence smoothers all,
No matter the time of day
Imagine fate in which you conquer life & smile or laugh.

Tonight you stand there,
Wondering where the dead have gone.
Heavy piano plays, the keys in solemn rejection sing
Goodnight to god, the world & beauty sung.

So the world’s in black & white you see.
I bow my head & turn.
Imagination kisses her long farewell.
I loved her so or tried.

Her naked skin & beauteous form belies
The failings of fate which tore her soul apart.
A rose of red rust flutters in the darkness
Windowsill stained with rain.

Cold water filters through & lies,
The room an open coffin of the past.
I pull the blanket over me & candles dim.
Like love itself, a final ember burns & dies.

~ a simple stimuli & my mind will wander. Tonight a song & I was gone.
© ed simkins

Awoken by dreams.

My bed aches in misery. Fact.
A frozen blanket of time & memory.
Filled with dreams from old.

Thoughts that capture you.
I hate you.
You left me scared & broken.

Your memory stood there this morning.
A vengeful palace of words so stern.
Vivid dream that bit. & cut eternal deep.

I’m angry.
& I despise you for the details you provide.
Standing there accusing me. How dare you.

You told them lies.
Strangers that I never knew; your family of fear & daily deceit.
You told them lies. & broke me with their hate.

How could you lure me last night?
How could you stand there naked? Make me dream of your flesh that burns.
Smooth & still & screaming seduction. Always bribing.

Tonight I’m sick. & I don’t expect you to care. I know your thoughts.
You appear in dreams & wake me up in sweat so cold & full of crisp disdain.
Then stir my passion with love & hate.

I’m sick inside. Never healed. Never known sweet freedom from you.
The cuts you stroke are deep & sore. A mad memento of love so called.
You stole so many things but the empty shell you left behind.

I’ll curl up in my bed tonight. Stretch out a hand and miss you there.
I’ll pretend no fear & hide beside, an empty space where tears were cried in hopeless desire & love inspired.
I’ll watch your face, your silent sleep & breathe.

& The light will fade, the shadows recline.
Darkness consume & the night will pass.
Maybe tomorrow in the fresh morning sun, a new hand will hold me close.

~ this morning’s vivid dream shook my soul. I Awoke to anger & frustration.
© ed simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins