Without Her.

A day off without her.
No laughter.
No beauty.
No brilliance.
It’s killing me.

Why can’t I see her every day?
Hold her & play with her and just be with her.

Why is it that love pains so much?

I hold the photo I have of her & I miss her!
Boy do I miss her!

It doesn’t laugh or chat or talk or tease or flirt or dance or play or whirl or hold.
She’s beautiful in it, but it’s not all that she is.
Not by far.

& I’m missing her!

Behind this smile I long for her.
I long to tell her how much I want her here.

I cannot cope with death. & I cannot cope with this.
I need her.

Time is cruel. Love is worse.
Fate & Life conspire against every wish I ever have.

I love her.

Please tell her.

xXx

– A long day without her.
© ed simkins 2016

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Lost.

I need a hug.

A sign of humanity.

Shared resilience

Acceptance of pain.

I’m dying alone.
I’m drugged & I’m tired & I’m battered & I find it hard to go on.
The world is in darkness.
& I feel the water flow.

Silent crystals etching out trouble
Staining my face which is ugly
I’ve seen the reflection
& I’ve seen how they run.

How close could you get
To the tears of a dead man?

Remember a soft kiss?
the last was a dream

& the echoes of that vibration shudder through my soul.
& I look at your picture.

I know that you’re smiling & that you’re a long way away.
I would die to behold you
& melt on your shoulder
Your arm firm around me.
Say that you love me
That the wait is still worth it.
That the end is so near
& that the dream will reappear.

I cried in the open
& the people they looked.
They saw nothing but frustration
Failure & pathetic-ness.

The laughed & they pointed & they saw my collapse.
I hid in the isles & broke down too badly.
Crawled to my carriage & hid in the darkness.
Wallowed in my failure & stared at the edge.

Dreams fall away & the lights need replacing.

Gone are the days when I cared for myself.
& the terror of self pity is a blanket I lie in.

~ a harsh night alone.
© ed simkins 2015

Her Picture Equals

Poison taken
Heart forsaken
Dreams alight
In a Night of fright
Hate enlivened
Dreams surviving
Body dying
My Eyes are crying
Beauty stolen
Days just roll on
Purpose far gone
Trapped by fusion
Mess of hoping
Drunk or doping
Bed in darkness
Brain a right mess
Taste of kissing
Love still missing
Anger, hatred
Life once sacred
Passion broken
Angel long gone
Stupid bum note
Romance; bad joke
Dead wife bleeding
No way healing
Grievance hostile
Pain not docile
Pointless sleeping
Empty weeping
Slow down breathing
Wrist is weeping
Blood is leaving
Tears are streaming
Eyes a-staring
Mind past caring.

~ up. Down. Up. Down. Life remains. As others laugh.
© ed simkins

AM 5:04

Failed life.
Death is stalking.
Light of laughter
Dreams are broken

Eyes strain
Burn, yearn
Fallen lies
Confinement made.

Passion builds
An empty joke
My tears strive
Released in flow.

No thoughts but death
A silent night
Of pain engulfs
These ageing hands.

Ripped cuts in skin
Crimson tears they stream
Slow escape from fate
Dreams which break.

Silk kisses please
But memories fade
Bask in beauty born
If life were dreams.

~ too late too sleep
© ed simkins

Life Alone, no reason.

23:37 & the heart is ripped.
A long walk through the darkness. Drifting through shorelines

Distance uncertain, a final fatal dream.
No-one to love & empty solitude.

The world is so large, but I can’t scream any louder
I ache for a drug that doesn’t exist.

Pleasure an illusion of the crazy & dead.
I sit in a room of which there’s no sound

I can’t tell you of the pain that I feel deep inside
You’d hate me for this weakness as the mirror pays witness.

The stars are illusions of a god which has failed
Nightmares exist in the eyes of the stranger

& money takes no more than the soul of this man.
Where is my saviour when all the thinkers are dead?

Buddha was a dreamer who retired to a tree
Smiling & kissing, a thinker in pain

No grip to be certain, a hand in the ocean
I’m drowning in not knowing, the direction I’m going.

Given a rock or a rope from an angel unknown
Once more accidentally, I’d kill & she’d moan.

Tears are my pillow, placed by my weakness
I wish I could conquer, My brain & my fate

Dreams they take over & I bid you farewell,
Though Love is a lie, it’s one that I seek.

~ On seeing the film ‘Up in the Air’ & reflecting on my life.

© ed simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins

All Because I loved You

Have you heard I’m famous here for murdering a child and selling her for cash?

Have you heard the lies, or seen the house in which I burned and flickered in the night?

Did she tell you the truth to which she kept? The fallacy of her every word?

Her hand in mine was a gentle gift, one which the Lord did give to me.

Her pretty name was ‘Natasha’ but I shan’t tell you much more. Her story revels in words sold you see.

But we were in love you see. Til the day she was five when she stole the last of my hidden gems.

We used to play in the tree houses beyond and swim in the cool spring rivers downstate.

But tonight my house burns. Gentle flickers illuminate the haunted spray of stars

& the women outside pitch my walls in vile contempt – though they see no truth in love or vice.

I hold your tender picture as the flames lap spiritually around. As they spit and call my name.

My age is six, but they made me lie, & now they force me to sit and cry.

Mom and dad are far away & left to save their name.

So here I am alone again, thinking of the girl I love.

Burning.

Burning.

(c) Ed Simkins