Tears of Blood Red

Tear
Red line drawn
Shaking, tremble
Passion
Sorrow

Paine
Crimson
Reduction Pulsing
Memories hurt
These tears are red

Silent breathing
Stickiness
Scarlet syrup
Sharp blade tight
Sadness overwhelmed

The face distraught
Distorts
A lonely night
In abject fear
Alone

The waves burdening
Sinking
I’m tired
Weary
Frustrated

I don’t know any other way
These tears flow steadily
The world is full of strangers
& the brain is a failure
Starved of success

Meaning devoid
These droplets of rich red blood
Trickle on white skin in contrast
Life is ebbing
Fading

The roses you took
& faces which steal
Achievements empty
change too difficult.
Eyes close & I’m drifting

~ full of rage & full of pain. A horrible night.
© ed simkins

Advertisements

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

That I could hold her hand again.

God.
That I could hold her hand again.
A dream I take to sleep with me.
I die.
In painful tears which weep through loss.
I pause.
& dream.
Engulfed in darkness I sit with thought.
& silence bleeds.

I seek her hand once more, though none arrives.
Dreams I take to bed with me.
I speak to her but no response.
A quiet field of empty blanket found
An empty bed of love.
With flowers of remorse.

This heart which trembles in mute & lost, forgotten play
I see you there within my mind
A stabbing, painful memory
From the past my tears they fall.

My wrists would bleed if fate could change
& her body breathed again.
& held my hand.

I cry for you.
In quiet times.
In darkest echoes of the night, like now.
A tear rolls in sad recline.
Broken mind which stands by day
Shudders in the flood by night.

If love exists then hold my hand
& bring the radiance of your smile,
Return to me.
But pass, neglect this pain which fills my heart
Bring forth such joy which I once knew.

I retire now to death’s dark door
In weary battered illusion born
Where I may die & prostrate cry
Myself to sleep
& deep
oblivion.

~ darkness real takes over thoughts, as the night alone surrounds. A heavy night.
© ed simkins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWIE0PX1uXk

A room in black & white.

Late night futility.
Dreams that end in stillborn terror.
Dark days fail.
Winter jest remains.

A voice of death claims its love for you, departs
A solemn procession through the mind.
I tried to kiss you once
You turned your head & sighed.

Passion held its tongue.
Religion exists no more in glimpses told.
A heavy blanket calls my name & beckons me.
Nude symphony of flesh has gone.

An open window, wind breeze & cool.
Silence smoothers all,
No matter the time of day
Imagine fate in which you conquer life & smile or laugh.

Tonight you stand there,
Wondering where the dead have gone.
Heavy piano plays, the keys in solemn rejection sing
Goodnight to god, the world & beauty sung.

So the world’s in black & white you see.
I bow my head & turn.
Imagination kisses her long farewell.
I loved her so or tried.

Her naked skin & beauteous form belies
The failings of fate which tore her soul apart.
A rose of red rust flutters in the darkness
Windowsill stained with rain.

Cold water filters through & lies,
The room an open coffin of the past.
I pull the blanket over me & candles dim.
Like love itself, a final ember burns & dies.

~ a simple stimuli & my mind will wander. Tonight a song & I was gone.
© ed simkins

Morning Rain & Dreams

Death is a friend through the darkness of the night,
I awake and I see you, a dream I once knew.
I tell you that I love you and I see your sweet body
I wish you were here & love kissed me more.

As the rain hits the windows and the flowers sadly cry
I turn to my side and see the space you once slept in.
My mind sets you there and I’d kiss if I could
But cruel is my life, filling with space.

I’m not sad anymore, no more than the rest,
& I’m grateful for my world, my minute little part.
I just wish, cause I’m selfish, than I had something I want
The affection and the kingship that once I enjoyed.

& I’ve learned from the past, through sadness & defeat
& I know that I’m stronger & my ego a devil.
I know that I can love and how I can make happy
I know how to set her free & love her so deeply.

But it’s morning now & the world is awakening,
It’s cold and it’s raining and I’m staring out of my window.
& I wish one day that fate, or accident or something more crazy
Would set out my dream and let her walk back

I don’t care about her past, I don’t care for the words
I just wish she were in my arms and the peace back again.
I wish for her romance & the days that we laughed
& I’d make sure she knew of the love in my heart.

~ awakening with the sight of her beside me. How cruel is the mind!
© ed simkins

Life Alone, no reason.

23:37 & the heart is ripped.
A long walk through the darkness. Drifting through shorelines

Distance uncertain, a final fatal dream.
No-one to love & empty solitude.

The world is so large, but I can’t scream any louder
I ache for a drug that doesn’t exist.

Pleasure an illusion of the crazy & dead.
I sit in a room of which there’s no sound

I can’t tell you of the pain that I feel deep inside
You’d hate me for this weakness as the mirror pays witness.

The stars are illusions of a god which has failed
Nightmares exist in the eyes of the stranger

& money takes no more than the soul of this man.
Where is my saviour when all the thinkers are dead?

Buddha was a dreamer who retired to a tree
Smiling & kissing, a thinker in pain

No grip to be certain, a hand in the ocean
I’m drowning in not knowing, the direction I’m going.

Given a rock or a rope from an angel unknown
Once more accidentally, I’d kill & she’d moan.

Tears are my pillow, placed by my weakness
I wish I could conquer, My brain & my fate

Dreams they take over & I bid you farewell,
Though Love is a lie, it’s one that I seek.

~ On seeing the film ‘Up in the Air’ & reflecting on my life.

© ed simkins

Echoes Ache

I shake.
A pathetic little man from outer space.
Gridlocked tears pause broken behind my eyes.
I’m drowning.
They need escape.
Recall the thoughts that brought you there & fall.
Collapse.
Cry.

Two reasons why.
Monuments of old illuminate the room in which I sleep. Torture to the end.
The blue-grey top you wore so often. A photographic bombsite that played with love.
Which stripped itself on so many occasions. Each written in a booklet of the past.
But died.
With pain & hate & broken down communication.
& ended in abject failure.

& the taste of you.
Your dolled up face.
You childish ways which glued my attention as the years rolled by.
As the kisses flowed.
& smiles fought with such happy lips.
I loved you.
& then the glue was gone
& the lies were born.
Pages ripped in the book of delight.

I was two hours too late.

& you were gone.

A jumper left, crying over the red leather chair on which we played.
& the pink glitter lipstick which made you taste so fun
Alone & lost upon the mantelpiece of my fire.

The house is empty now.
But I see you everywhere.

~ haunted by thoughts & visions & dreams.
© ed simkins

The Sleeping Field

i wonder what it’s like to love.
That strange affliction which hides its scars.
I pause for thought as no memory returns. No photos emerge of former times.
Join me. Sit beside me. For tonight I rest upon the bench which bears her name.

Blossoms grow & burst & fall within the gentle breeze. She liked it here.
The gentle walks. The holding hands.
She’d smile as the spring birds whistled & sang their orchestrated tunes.
She kissed me here.

I look around. & I see a pretty girl with auburn hair.
A gentle face which smiles through her own regretting tears. Another loss?
& I build up dreams of her & wish we’d speak. But fear of pain holds me back. Enforced retreat. I’m scared to try. To even venture from this bench.

We argued once. Surrounded by the silent snow which fell.
& by the end, her tears had soaked the coat I wore more than any flakes which danced & trod upon the shores of my shoulders still.
I held her there. Held her close & tight & made her know I dreamt of her.
She smiled & kissed me softly through her passioned lips so wet.

I couldn’t say if my heart was full that day or I was already bleeding through my longing for her.
Even when she sat beside me.
Upon this bench which now bears her name – Her sacred name.
& I gaze from stranger dreams & focus back upon this stone.

Black enamel gloss; stone of heaven.
She lies there sweetly.
The girl i thought I loved.
My wife.

& the cherry trees sway their silent praise in pearls of pink & pristine white.
Cemeteries made for thought.
A single tear bows & falls.
I miss her.

& the stranger walks away the same.
& I wonder what it’s like to be in love.
The summer sun wanes & fades.
& I wish she’d return tomorrow.

To that girl within the sleeping field.
I miss you.
With all my heart & aching soul.
I miss you.

~ beauty & pain combine so often. I can only sigh in wonder.
© ed simkins

Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

Missing You.

How do I get you?

How do I reach you?

How do I stop this bullshit and find you once more in my arms?

– How?!?

The walls still echo with the laughter you produced,

The beauty of your smile radiates in spaces known to us.

And the empty garden still cries in silence without your voice.

So where are you my love?

Where have you gone?

Why have you ridden so very far away?

I dream of you.

I see your face.

A distant memory that takes me back.

But the coldness of this winter past I know will last the year

& I miss you like the leaves without the trees

& I care nothing for the sun without you.

In my mind I cup your smiling cheeks. I hold you in my nervous dreams.

I prostrate myself and cry for you.

– For you.

& Each night a life of torture passes.

The blood that’s spilt, my offering for you.

My dreams for you.

So tell me how. Just tell me how!

How do I win you back?

How do I fix this world?

How do I make you smile again.

For me.

How?

& How do I let these tears stop rolling?

For the days they care no more,

Nor the nights which see these droplets fall.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

~ A poem about Ghosts & Songs & Broken Justice & how I find it hard to escape.

© Ed Simkins