Lost.

I need a hug.

A sign of humanity.

Shared resilience

Acceptance of pain.

I’m dying alone.
I’m drugged & I’m tired & I’m battered & I find it hard to go on.
The world is in darkness.
& I feel the water flow.

Silent crystals etching out trouble
Staining my face which is ugly
I’ve seen the reflection
& I’ve seen how they run.

How close could you get
To the tears of a dead man?

Remember a soft kiss?
the last was a dream

& the echoes of that vibration shudder through my soul.
& I look at your picture.

I know that you’re smiling & that you’re a long way away.
I would die to behold you
& melt on your shoulder
Your arm firm around me.
Say that you love me
That the wait is still worth it.
That the end is so near
& that the dream will reappear.

I cried in the open
& the people they looked.
They saw nothing but frustration
Failure & pathetic-ness.

The laughed & they pointed & they saw my collapse.
I hid in the isles & broke down too badly.
Crawled to my carriage & hid in the darkness.
Wallowed in my failure & stared at the edge.

Dreams fall away & the lights need replacing.

Gone are the days when I cared for myself.
& the terror of self pity is a blanket I lie in.

~ a harsh night alone.
© ed simkins 2015

Advertisements

Life’s Too Heavy

All that’s life sails on by
Dreams which sing & flutter.
I’m lost in a world that doesn’t know
The sense of love which sends.

In dreaming in my deepest sleep
Imagination grows
in days which flow & roll & pass.
I sit & breath it in,

Though the air is cold & still my friend
I stare out of windows lit by flowers
& wonder at where the time it goes
As Stillness plays & silence screams.

With piano sung with peace & joy.
Calm, sullen jugs of heated liquor
Travel through the throat which writes
& covers itself in solemn darkness.

Clouds of melancholy stutter deeply
My heart it ponders the win-ability of life
& lays its weary head in shame.
Unforgotten, unloved, unknown.

Defeated perplexion
A rhyme of heartache tasked with love
Eyes which see refused to taste the sights of joy
Belly warm with strong contemplation

These moments gone drunk in spirits
In silent circumcision.
I’m drunk with life, & foolish too.
Forgotten how to walk or sing.

No girl, no sense, no purpose found
I lie within the garden of this cave
& fantasise with bottle brought
& await the arrival of my god.

So a last recount to you my friend
A tale of life which knows no bound
I see the world of humans pass
I see no future hymn to sing

Fate has blown me far away.
As silent statues talk of death.
A final swig of life & down
Broken dreams collapse to ground.

~ a heavy hand in thought does write this. Maybe one day you’ll understand.
© ed simkins

Stolen Laughter & Suicide.

Passion left.

Waving goodbye to the shadows behind.

& Perpetual Pain.

They say grow up.

& now I’m old.

Things don’t change too quickly.

I feel the time

Which echoes around.

The walls remain my silent friends.

Doors are shut & the curtains drawn.

I cannot go out.

My mind drags me back.

Mental frustration explodes as the world laughs out

& I sit & hide. In here.

Once I was god. But now a broken wreck.

I see your face. & friends persist.

But the long hours of solitude emphasise

The defeat I hold as mine.

Sure, crowd me in a room & watch me fall.

Watch me run or see me crack.

& you will know that I am still, a broken man.

The world still hates me & I regret

The illusions that I once believed in.

I spend my time just waiting. Dying. Thinking.

I cannot achieve, I cannot work.

I cannot accomplish nor concentrate.

Perhaps you only see me as a lazy son of bitch.

But I have a job & I know some folk quite well.

But no-one knows the secret darkness into which I crash & burn.

My mind is heavy & I’m tired now.

The smiles you see are aggrandised self delusions.

Dreams into which I sink my mind. Focus some say.

& I am better when I do not think.

But then I awake. & breathe.

& the pain comes back.

& the cycle repeats.

Yes, I wish I could be.

An island of tranquility.

~ An Honest Letter & enough said.

© Ed Simkins