The last song

Death is an echo of the dreams I once had
Emptied in fashions which came in a fad
Chains of disaster curve round my soul
Taking me deeper, lost in the ground.
A world full of darkness eats at my mind
Beauty of innocent spent on the child
Corruption of my fate leading to death
& Sold to the fortune I spoke with my breath.

Crimson was the colour of the dream I begun
Earning from poverty another new sun
Woke up & dreamt, cried & I yearn
Fueling the imagination, sinew to burn
Caring little for nothing & dreaming of my fear
Wishing you were lovely, hoping you were near.
You called out my name & I took you backstage
Thrashed out my anger & i hit you with rage
I cried in your pockets & tore up your dress
& spat out my fury in a need to impress.

I lie in my own filth, broken, forlorn
Needles & injections, battered & torn
Who’d have thought life which I once happily loved
Would kill all of Europe & find it all stuffed.
I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to tease
I wanted to love you, I wanted to please
But you hated my words & you threatened my life
All because of my heat & your own mental strife.

Habits are repetitive, they burden & they kill,
Seemed I could not take you, or bend you to my will
Stairs were a danger & I threw you straight down
& I laughed so sincerely, with the blood on your crown
Relationships end, & you hated me so
But I loved you my woman, though you never seemed to know.
Frustration’s volcanic, it eats & it burns
& each night you kept silent, I longed & I yearned
I want you beside me, I want your sweet smile
& I would kill everything, if only for a while

But dreams they are a-failing & I’m lost in my way
& I’ll wake up without you, yet another grey day
The glass on the stair well, the shit on the street
& the business I go to, which leaves stains on my feet
My heart it is broken, cause love never wins
& I’m guilty of loving, it’s a fortune of sin.

~ a bad night of regret & longing
(c) ed simkins

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In the silence inbetween.

Dreams kill & ache & bleed & cry in rooms of silence, dark in tone.
I love you. A repeated phrase which you say remains unknown.
– It is to you.

A sparkling dress of want flutters like candle dust around your skin & the light blinks out.
You’re gone.
But I picture you there.
– Your smile which kills.
A web of deceit, or the lust of youth?
Or that fools tear themselves in dreams I fear & I hate?
For loss is great!
For even for a night, a night in which so much was gained & the flesh which surrounds you dances & burns,
Teases & forces gyrations of desire from a friend who adores
& falls gently away.
Or was that just you?
& another nights gone.

But now in soft light with whiskey & gin & a light which frustrates.
& A mind which lurks
& Seeks
Begs for you.
Says that I love you.
& I love you!

Theses hypnotic chants & screamed repetitions filter the pain,
For there’s torture in knowing you.
For this grief in desire.
Of want.
Of love.
For you.

So come to my arms my love.
Rest gently deep within them.
& Tell me your secrets tonight.
Let me bask in your glory.

Oh, I recognise your escape. I know of desire.
I know of your world, of your beautiful chances.
But allow me to love you & I’d grant you the stars
I’d make you a princess
I’d make you my queen!

But let love flow around you.
& let it be mine.

~ Her silence is torture
© ed simkins

Awoken by dreams.

My bed aches in misery. Fact.
A frozen blanket of time & memory.
Filled with dreams from old.

Thoughts that capture you.
I hate you.
You left me scared & broken.

Your memory stood there this morning.
A vengeful palace of words so stern.
Vivid dream that bit. & cut eternal deep.

I’m angry.
& I despise you for the details you provide.
Standing there accusing me. How dare you.

You told them lies.
Strangers that I never knew; your family of fear & daily deceit.
You told them lies. & broke me with their hate.

How could you lure me last night?
How could you stand there naked? Make me dream of your flesh that burns.
Smooth & still & screaming seduction. Always bribing.

Tonight I’m sick. & I don’t expect you to care. I know your thoughts.
You appear in dreams & wake me up in sweat so cold & full of crisp disdain.
Then stir my passion with love & hate.

I’m sick inside. Never healed. Never known sweet freedom from you.
The cuts you stroke are deep & sore. A mad memento of love so called.
You stole so many things but the empty shell you left behind.

I’ll curl up in my bed tonight. Stretch out a hand and miss you there.
I’ll pretend no fear & hide beside, an empty space where tears were cried in hopeless desire & love inspired.
I’ll watch your face, your silent sleep & breathe.

& The light will fade, the shadows recline.
Darkness consume & the night will pass.
Maybe tomorrow in the fresh morning sun, a new hand will hold me close.

~ this morning’s vivid dream shook my soul. I Awoke to anger & frustration.
© ed simkins

Death Indoors.

I am sick.

With death and fate and god’s illegal use of power.

He doesn’t care.

How could he?

He barely knows. Or thinks or sees.

I live alone.

In hedges by the roadside. In forest unseen.

You see the ghost that crumbles.

Of a shallow grave.

& I am sick.

I have been defeated. Again. Only this time by a simple clock.

One that tells the time & lies.

It breaks my heart and laughs and throws it’s shitty hands up and says ’oh what? Did you seek illusion?’

& I reply in tears.

Frustrated collapse that ends in drugs.

I pity myself. & anger flows.

A ritual you will see again in time & time & time & time again.

My life you see.

Circle of doubt. Of fear. Of broken phallic illusions.

All dreams gone.

So I hold the gun against my head. I clock the hammer.

I hold my breath and pull.

God hates me. That’s all I know.

I worship death.

For who cares what resides within a shell shocked heart?

A quiet night.

Failure announced at the door. A reliable friend.

I cannot but play the song again.

For I might as well lose myself in the well of paine and angst.

& Fill the bath and drown insane.

As Night closes in and the moon walks by.

~ I am pretty shit at many things. & dreams are always defeated.

© Ed Simkins

Missing You.

How do I get you?

How do I reach you?

How do I stop this bullshit and find you once more in my arms?

– How?!?

The walls still echo with the laughter you produced,

The beauty of your smile radiates in spaces known to us.

And the empty garden still cries in silence without your voice.

So where are you my love?

Where have you gone?

Why have you ridden so very far away?

I dream of you.

I see your face.

A distant memory that takes me back.

But the coldness of this winter past I know will last the year

& I miss you like the leaves without the trees

& I care nothing for the sun without you.

In my mind I cup your smiling cheeks. I hold you in my nervous dreams.

I prostrate myself and cry for you.

– For you.

& Each night a life of torture passes.

The blood that’s spilt, my offering for you.

My dreams for you.

So tell me how. Just tell me how!

How do I win you back?

How do I fix this world?

How do I make you smile again.

For me.

How?

& How do I let these tears stop rolling?

For the days they care no more,

Nor the nights which see these droplets fall.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

~ A poem about Ghosts & Songs & Broken Justice & how I find it hard to escape.

© Ed Simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

when the rain falls inside

your tears fill my bed with pain

your pretty little face destroys me

kills me.

a simple ending to a pleasant night.

your naked skin beautifies the room.

a soft red light warms.

i brush your cheek with the gentlest of hands

& your silken tear forces me to shed my pain.

we sit in silence.

a self-destructive mess no end in sight.

a single kiss would end such pain

a sweet smile to close the book.

i hold you close and feel you shake

a shudder aches in each stolen sob.

i question you and ask you why

i remember the fights that came before.

i ask the world outside to save our souls

to end the bitterness that now exists.

your skin so smooth its cold and shakes

frustrated mind that lashes out.

how can i save myself or you?

i need your love and that is all

i can’t see why you must go.

your innocence frightens me

& my careless talk destroys you.

i ask once more and silence falls

a humbled pause that stops my breath

a broken car that will not start

a tortured love that fell apart.

~ she walked away in tears

(c) Ed Simkins

unattainable love

i hear your voice and the sickness inside roars forth. it rips my head.

such heavy tears that fill my mind and break my soul. i claw the air.

i feel the space where you used to be and i hold your dress, repeat your loss.

i see the grave of flowers that you left behind and the sky draws in. closes in.

i need your hand, i need my shoulder felt, i need you close.  i need support.

but my heart is worn. for the nights are long & the days so barren

an evening’s darkness feels so cold. i miss your charms.

these dreams, these sights i see of you, they throw up dust and sting my eyes,

i feel the pain. i miss you babe.

the cold wraps around me like death and twisted fate, a slow strong clasp that brings me down.

& in my mind i see you smile.

& i know i can never touch your body.  just let you walk, just let you play,

and i sit there girl, i sit outside,

i sit & watch the world walk by and the seasons change and i see you grow, i see you change.

i remember the time we held our hands and the games we played & the kisses we shared

the looks you gave, the smiles you made, the songs we loved, the times we craved.

these tears they roll because you’re not here. & you don’t care.

you took your life and the world has changed. our daughters grown and flown the nest

in these seats are ghosts and love is just a name.

i saw your face today and my world crashed in.  the tears broke forth and i’m anxious now.

my breath is short & the end feels close.

i wished we could dance and kiss once more. & then some more. & then some more.

but the pain folds in and crashes me, the emptiness of a life without

i just want to hold your face my girl and see you once again with me.

& then again & again & again & again…   x

~ such are my dreams of the untouched, untouchable one.

(c) Ed Simkins

anger with a whore

a red lipped whore with frozen fingers,

telling me not to ask my fucking questions,

you make me sick, you foul my street

you look at me and ya get your kick.

your filthy habits screw my mind

a destitution for those unkind

you lie, you cheat, you leave me weak

you think your magic, you’re only cheap.

you bite the takers, you screw their cash,

you inject your poison & build your stash

i hate you with a venom born

of all the hate that i have learnt.

you sit in filth and break my dreams

understanding nothing of what i mean.

you look in hate with broken eyes

and blame me now for stolen skies

your life, your past, your wearied skin

you think i care for what you did?

you can blame the state, or blame your birth

i dont care what you think you’re worth

i dont care, i live my life

i love my children i kiss my wife.

for you to tell me that i’m wrong

to lead me on for just so long

to get you cash, to get your fix

i hate you woman, & all your sick.

a mistake was made, a bad day had

a bored husband with a weekend fad

you chase me down & i’ll slit your throat

let love and blood together soak.

so i’m off and out, i’ll fix my world

leave you behind my broken girl.

~ staring at candles too long makes you wonder about things

(c) Ed Simkins