Light Fades

So a dream disappears,
sunk beneath the waves of hope & want.
I cannot say I didn’t expect
But the tide of pain has squashed my nights with pain & tears.
Frustration builds and volcanic flows of untempered rage erupts
I stare in mid-distance loss
I can’t distinguish the thoughts that flit between my moments here.
Confused and dazed and regret & miffed.
I know not what happened, but that the girl of paradise flew from my life has broken heart.
& I’m with that I’m tired.
I’m looking out upon the fields of the future
A nervous stare which shows no signs of ceasing.
I don’t know where to go or in which direction should I turn.
Stuck as ever and trapped by hands of fate
& of course the broken mind.
The faulty fool which resides within this massacred mind of mine.

I breath.

I wish I could enter the minds of others.
Share their stories & empathise.
But I am locked away in my own pathetic little prison
& set for life.
My garden my only escape.
Minutes of sensation from another world
One in which no hands are kept, no lips are kissed & love is but a passion for life itself.
& then I return.
A darkened home.
Exams & veins about to burst
Plans & work which overwhelm.
To simply or multiply?
I have no answers left or dreams to chase.
The world is barren but for the sarcasm of the hate which spreads.
If I could die I would have shown my tomb the winning hand by now
But I am not to fade like that.
A have but yet a million more years in which to pain.
What is happiness I ask?
& how can anyone claim it as their friend?

A night of thought ensues & nothing more can be done.
21:52 & time to surrender to the collapse of the star outside.

~ a heavy day of thought after the collapse of friendship & yet another paineful crossroads of life.
© ed simkins

Broken

Welcome to the home of the most hated man.
A man who disgusts even himself
& I am that man.
Ugly and foolish, pathetic and weak.
A man who can loves
But witness death in his soul.
Dreams that once blossom cry in the garden
Rain that is pouring
Is years as his driving.
A disaster this evening
Tragic and dull
Woman of beauty
Threatened to kill.
Sunken and discarded
Broken and dead
Rejected like a dumb-ass
Failed in the art.
Blood on his lone wrist
Cut by the knife which wounds as he speaks
Little does she see him
As they dance in the air
What happened to the smiles which protruded and soar?
What happened to the banter that spread into joy?
What happened to promise & desire
& those blissful eyes which gazed into mine?
Suddenly I’m shot,
I’m drowning or I’m cut
Thrown to the wolves like a carcass of distress
All in a word? Or was it a phrase?
I have no idea what happened but I suffer the fall
Glory all gone, dreams lie shattered
Tears in her eyes
Frustration in mine.
The darkness is falling
& the time it gets late
Hence I sit here broken
The famed man of hate.

~ an absolute disaster with HER.
© ed simkins. Joke.

No Way to Save

Frustrated tears grace her cheeks
I see them fall & join.
Her heartache erupts in broken sighs
I die
As she collapses in tortured shakes
& shoulders weep.
I burn inside.
No idea of how to save this child who cries.
I ache & crash as angel calls.
I surrender to fear, inside I’m small.
I love my girl.
But I cannot reach.
I’m cut off & scared
& been pushed away.
Her shattered face speaks of loss
& beauty blooms in watered rolls.
She’s cold.
Alone.
& I’m standing there.
Rooted to the spot insane.
My soul surrounds, I’m keeping her close
I’m telling her it’s fine, that’s she everything known.
But I’m silent.
& scared.
& the earthquake is great.
The bridges tear
Communications down
I gaze at her wonder, at the beauty of her form
I’m desperate for her smile
For this fire to burn out.
For her to hit me or kill me
Scream or please shout.
But she stands there & she’s drowning
& her tears break into flood.
I’m rooted & I’m weak & I’m losing my love.
Her image fades fast & she’s moving from view
Soon she is walking & the distance benign
Now but a ghost
& lost deep in time.
I still hear the echoes, & the pain in her voice
Lost to the grave
Lost without choice.

~ having played Taylor Swift’s ‘Last Kiss’ & seeing this occur. Another experience still hurts.
© ed simkins

Her Picture Equals

Poison taken
Heart forsaken
Dreams alight
In a Night of fright
Hate enlivened
Dreams surviving
Body dying
My Eyes are crying
Beauty stolen
Days just roll on
Purpose far gone
Trapped by fusion
Mess of hoping
Drunk or doping
Bed in darkness
Brain a right mess
Taste of kissing
Love still missing
Anger, hatred
Life once sacred
Passion broken
Angel long gone
Stupid bum note
Romance; bad joke
Dead wife bleeding
No way healing
Grievance hostile
Pain not docile
Pointless sleeping
Empty weeping
Slow down breathing
Wrist is weeping
Blood is leaving
Tears are streaming
Eyes a-staring
Mind past caring.

~ up. Down. Up. Down. Life remains. As others laugh.
© ed simkins

Pictures of a war wound.

A liar
A thief
A bitch who destroyed
The world was your oyster now you’re wrapped up with boys
Hard to believe the fall from your grace
And how many details fell from your face?
The smiles & the winks
The honesty you brought
Love was a dispute, one that I fought.
I couldn’t pretend; ‘not an actor like you
Someone who could deceive the world like you do
Now see how the baby’s crying in its lair
Picture to the world – that’s the one you will share.
But what of the others?
What of your life?
I loath you bitch, you cancerous wife!

So I’m angry, you accuse
You’ll spin out your lies
& tell the whole world it was me who had died.
You’ll point to the direction of my tears that you caused
And laugh at the pictures of my heart on the floor.
Well maybe it was good that you died in the night
For I can’t honestly say I miss all those fights
But you should have done better, you should have done good
and known and respected the king from the hood
but you killed him, deceived him & let him fall down
then broke me and hurt me and threw out my crown
so what now my lover, my fatal femme noir
a whole life of worship for the girl you now are?
Or will we once more, meet in the night
& see how things are, try as we might
For illusions are many and there’s much to debate
Or a least a good beating for the woman of hate
Good night I say now & I’ll bid my farewell
Thanks for the poison & the visions of hell
Silence is golden & my world is death’s door
Hope is my friend & I give you no more.

~ on seeing old lies & illusions.
© ed simkins

Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

wounded tiger

Happy smiles of golden mask
Which end in tears of solemn rage
Rejected buffoon which plays the fool
& tiger ensnared in cage.
No escape is made for time
for man who tries & dies
on every road I wander down
as time of mine it flies.
but plane shot down & weary ship
Where every wave he sails
Brings down shit like broken masts
& coffins complete with nails.
these echoes made of glories past
Where once i stood and smiled
I by now a distant hero
where every loss is trialled.
Sinking fast as forest glares
a tiger ‘fraid of striking out
my starving dreams i’m weary off
Continue years of drought.
Tiger crawled, approached his prey
Mask worn & manners held
But youthful princess knew my plans
ensured all trees were felled.
With dejected heart I could not close
In dusk I couldn’t approach
& every question asked in glee
Suffered a fatal reproach.
I wished to bite, to lap her up
To tear her clothes & see her sweat
But fate is cruel & such a game
Sees me foiled, & then I’m set.
On long walk home with laughs behind
From crowds of demons who reject
& so I stumble to this lonely spot
Where no-one will detect.
Where no-one sees me cry & bleed
& wish for blissful death
For I tried to break, I tried to strike
I longed for naked breath.
But death comes close & breaks my heart
In darkest night I fail
Her rejection causes such cruel pain
…Under moonlight cold & pail.

~ another utter rout.
© ed simkins

Rejected

failure. defeat. ridicule & anger.
loathing. hatred. Misery & anger.
death. destruction. denied & rage.
vilified. Ostracized. Putrefied page

Wounded. sore. Broken. Dead.
Solemn. Dejected. Rejected. Unwed.
Overwhelmed. Tired. Shattered & glum.
hurting. furious. stupid & dumb.

risking my neck, broken became
intellectual virgin, hiding in shame,
a puppy with sad eyes, butt of a joke.
on opening, a dream, stuttering i spoke.

in darkness, in public, i fell in her flames
escaping in carriage, i sit here ashamed
i tried to communicate, i tried to make bonds
instead i’m a criminal, an evil old con.

failure i said, failure i declare
where is the someone who says they will care.
her pleasantries & nature disfigured her pain
as she ran from the attentions of the mentally insane.

for me there’s no hope, a failure complete
born always, you’ll see, to beat a retreat.
i will die here alone, & in my dreams i will see
nothing but illusions of sad reality.

in which God’s hate is true & my pain is prolonged
& where each day i love, fate does me wrong.
So I sit in the darkness & write out my thoughts
Illustrate the effects of the love I have sought.

~  Above the parapet of life i stretched my head….Result? – a nasty wound to the heart!

(c) Ed Simkins

Dreams Upon A Wall

would you say yes if love smiled wide? if it approached your door and knocked?

would you give it all the time of day? or politely turn it far away?

would you?

for on a wet wall outside your house, i sit and ponder. a dream fulfills my mind but flutters scared.

i recall the days, the girls, the doors which closed. i know my fate before the deed is called.

i see you walking through your warm rooms at night. i see you think and act and dream alone.

do you know i exist? do you care that i seek? that a human kind exists for you?

But a dark shadow freezes here. filled with fear, his nerves a mess.

i seek you temptress. but how, how i’m scared!

that passion sought is not the paine, but humiliation is, defeat.  the dreaded answer no.

a stupid boy.

one that’s stuck to distant wall.

i watch you dream & whispers call. repeat.

a cup of tea, a simple chat. a laugh and knowing smile.

a pleasant thought, a happy silence, the space between where no paine grows.

we’d talk and look, our eyes would flirt, and bitten lips would tease & lead.

our happy hearts would bounce and dance with loving joy that friendship brings.

& how we’d sing in silly games that children play in youthful times.

& roses wait upon your door.

for i’m scared to say, to let you know. so i walk off home & mix my tears with the pouring rain.

leave you there, through watered wooden window frames, & let you watch a wall where stranger sat.

as dark clouds journey through their twilight path, & bid farewell to dreams undone,

& slowly kiss with slight rejection, the man of truth upon your wall.

~ dreams are the things I have inside. reality i know, is unfathomable, without control.

(c) Ed Simkins

Death in The Snow

I was scared that time would drive her away, this ghost i met on snow filled day

a challenge drawn between two friends, a distant smile that seemed to end

i called her name, reply not made, seems death had brought it’s famous grave

to bury any stint of love, by destruction, pull and fatal shove

when others entered & spread their lies, i knew that person’s friendship ties

were stronger and deeper than any fact; a web of hatred across my tract

for when approach was lonely done, no sight revealed the golden sun,

and so that girl with dreams and fears, retracted footsteps and stalked with spears

her eyes did burn and her mouth turned sour, alone i was in that mortal hour

the final pain began to flow, when laughing witch did cackle so

she saw her power, she knew the scent, of a fear induced where love was meant

she pointed at wondered beast that roared, and smiled in solemn victory of course

that fake princess, her silken whip, her deceit revealed from bum to lip

my fault of course, i turned to see, those salacious curves of destiny

but fate is cruel, my death was known & God’s fixed hatred a long time sown

& so i lie in falling white, a bitter end in frozen night

i cry no more for my end is here, the perk of this no final tear

a huddled lump, i lie in snow, a buried fool for you to know.

(c) Ed Simkins