The futility of love.

I want to hold her.
Really hold her.
To my chest.
To my heart.

I’m in love
& I’m in pain.
I’m pleasured
& I’m sick.

I grieve for I know the truth.
In a year she departs.
Gone.
Leaving for a foreign land.

& I know this.
I shed tears because of this.
I gaze into her eyes and I know this.
My tears fall because of this.

How can love bring so much pain?
How can life be so cruel & bring so many smiles?
How can she be this perfect & so close to me
& yet engaged in a fading act of dying?

i love her.

© ed simkins 2016
– torture is my grief, love the cause.

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Lost.

I need a hug.

A sign of humanity.

Shared resilience

Acceptance of pain.

I’m dying alone.
I’m drugged & I’m tired & I’m battered & I find it hard to go on.
The world is in darkness.
& I feel the water flow.

Silent crystals etching out trouble
Staining my face which is ugly
I’ve seen the reflection
& I’ve seen how they run.

How close could you get
To the tears of a dead man?

Remember a soft kiss?
the last was a dream

& the echoes of that vibration shudder through my soul.
& I look at your picture.

I know that you’re smiling & that you’re a long way away.
I would die to behold you
& melt on your shoulder
Your arm firm around me.
Say that you love me
That the wait is still worth it.
That the end is so near
& that the dream will reappear.

I cried in the open
& the people they looked.
They saw nothing but frustration
Failure & pathetic-ness.

The laughed & they pointed & they saw my collapse.
I hid in the isles & broke down too badly.
Crawled to my carriage & hid in the darkness.
Wallowed in my failure & stared at the edge.

Dreams fall away & the lights need replacing.

Gone are the days when I cared for myself.
& the terror of self pity is a blanket I lie in.

~ a harsh night alone.
© ed simkins 2015

Dark Forest

Kiss her lips my friend.
Kiss them as darkness falls & the grey clouds shimmer.
Fear falls in lonesome forests known.

She cries that single tear which cuts through hearts of hope.
& I’m tired of sending lines which fail to form.
Her silence grinds against my wanton heart & sinks.

Memory of a girl I used to love in summer’s daze flitters through my restless mind.
& I burn my tongue in screams of teenage angst.
A dying man sits in weakened stance, broken bones collapse beneath the ageing wait.

I say her name.
I repeat & hear the howl of wolves within this wicked wood & cry.
How that love so true & strong can bend & break like a rusted chain?

& on this deep & dark & dampened floor of wild distress I shake in fear.
She walks away & leaves me dead, inert, no hope, forgotten breed.
& stars watch in questioned poise as love retreats.

Alone once more, a thought lost in the darkness of space & ocean deep.
Waves of grief rush through the frozen mist & sting my bones.
I loved her so, but love has left & aching senses echo with dull defeat.

~ missing her
© ed simkins 2015

The last song

Death is an echo of the dreams I once had
Emptied in fashions which came in a fad
Chains of disaster curve round my soul
Taking me deeper, lost in the ground.
A world full of darkness eats at my mind
Beauty of innocent spent on the child
Corruption of my fate leading to death
& Sold to the fortune I spoke with my breath.

Crimson was the colour of the dream I begun
Earning from poverty another new sun
Woke up & dreamt, cried & I yearn
Fueling the imagination, sinew to burn
Caring little for nothing & dreaming of my fear
Wishing you were lovely, hoping you were near.
You called out my name & I took you backstage
Thrashed out my anger & i hit you with rage
I cried in your pockets & tore up your dress
& spat out my fury in a need to impress.

I lie in my own filth, broken, forlorn
Needles & injections, battered & torn
Who’d have thought life which I once happily loved
Would kill all of Europe & find it all stuffed.
I wanted to kiss you, I wanted to tease
I wanted to love you, I wanted to please
But you hated my words & you threatened my life
All because of my heat & your own mental strife.

Habits are repetitive, they burden & they kill,
Seemed I could not take you, or bend you to my will
Stairs were a danger & I threw you straight down
& I laughed so sincerely, with the blood on your crown
Relationships end, & you hated me so
But I loved you my woman, though you never seemed to know.
Frustration’s volcanic, it eats & it burns
& each night you kept silent, I longed & I yearned
I want you beside me, I want your sweet smile
& I would kill everything, if only for a while

But dreams they are a-failing & I’m lost in my way
& I’ll wake up without you, yet another grey day
The glass on the stair well, the shit on the street
& the business I go to, which leaves stains on my feet
My heart it is broken, cause love never wins
& I’m guilty of loving, it’s a fortune of sin.

~ a bad night of regret & longing
(c) ed simkins

Light Fades

So a dream disappears,
sunk beneath the waves of hope & want.
I cannot say I didn’t expect
But the tide of pain has squashed my nights with pain & tears.
Frustration builds and volcanic flows of untempered rage erupts
I stare in mid-distance loss
I can’t distinguish the thoughts that flit between my moments here.
Confused and dazed and regret & miffed.
I know not what happened, but that the girl of paradise flew from my life has broken heart.
& I’m with that I’m tired.
I’m looking out upon the fields of the future
A nervous stare which shows no signs of ceasing.
I don’t know where to go or in which direction should I turn.
Stuck as ever and trapped by hands of fate
& of course the broken mind.
The faulty fool which resides within this massacred mind of mine.

I breath.

I wish I could enter the minds of others.
Share their stories & empathise.
But I am locked away in my own pathetic little prison
& set for life.
My garden my only escape.
Minutes of sensation from another world
One in which no hands are kept, no lips are kissed & love is but a passion for life itself.
& then I return.
A darkened home.
Exams & veins about to burst
Plans & work which overwhelm.
To simply or multiply?
I have no answers left or dreams to chase.
The world is barren but for the sarcasm of the hate which spreads.
If I could die I would have shown my tomb the winning hand by now
But I am not to fade like that.
A have but yet a million more years in which to pain.
What is happiness I ask?
& how can anyone claim it as their friend?

A night of thought ensues & nothing more can be done.
21:52 & time to surrender to the collapse of the star outside.

~ a heavy day of thought after the collapse of friendship & yet another paineful crossroads of life.
© ed simkins

suffering from broken love

My love.
What happened?
What happened?
I was a god in fine clothes, the night before last
& we danced and we sang & we conquered the world.
& then today I lie broken & my dreams are extinguished
By the pained & vengeful wrath of your heart.
I am tired & I’m weak & I’ve always been in love
& I adore you & care for you & I’ve never said a word
Which was against you or sent a look which showed distaste
& here is my audience who know how I love you
& worship your soul & the ground where you walk.
But tell my dream girl, tell me what happened?
What hurt you or tore you,
That made you cut me apart?
That stole you away, that broke me in heart?
What pain sent you silent, that showed off your hate?
What cause did provoke you, or cause you to take
A million steps farther than me?
My love.
What happened?

I’m too much in love & that do I know,
Maybe in my actions to you I might show,
That I might lead you astray or say that I love you
But My love I do, & it’s killing me to know
That dreams are an illusion & you’ll never see
How much you fire you stoke & the longing in me.
But tonight you stopped speaking & you ripped yourself away
& I stood like a peasant, wishing you to stay.
& Still I am dying & my tears are distraught
Tell me what I did, for without you I have nought.
But I’ll shut up I guess, cause seems somehow I have wronged
& alone I suffer as pathetically I long
Oh My love, I love you
& I wish you did know
& I’m sorry for the pain or frustration that I caused you to show.
Tonight I am weary & I mean little to you
& I wish that my words meant something to you
Somehow something happened & I’m clueless you see
I’m sick to my heart, & I’m dreaming of thee.
I love you my wonder, & i wish you were smiling
But I’m terrified that’s its over, & tonight I am dying.

~ something bad happened with my dream girl tonight & it’s ripping me apart.
© ed simkins

No Way to Save

Frustrated tears grace her cheeks
I see them fall & join.
Her heartache erupts in broken sighs
I die
As she collapses in tortured shakes
& shoulders weep.
I burn inside.
No idea of how to save this child who cries.
I ache & crash as angel calls.
I surrender to fear, inside I’m small.
I love my girl.
But I cannot reach.
I’m cut off & scared
& been pushed away.
Her shattered face speaks of loss
& beauty blooms in watered rolls.
She’s cold.
Alone.
& I’m standing there.
Rooted to the spot insane.
My soul surrounds, I’m keeping her close
I’m telling her it’s fine, that’s she everything known.
But I’m silent.
& scared.
& the earthquake is great.
The bridges tear
Communications down
I gaze at her wonder, at the beauty of her form
I’m desperate for her smile
For this fire to burn out.
For her to hit me or kill me
Scream or please shout.
But she stands there & she’s drowning
& her tears break into flood.
I’m rooted & I’m weak & I’m losing my love.
Her image fades fast & she’s moving from view
Soon she is walking & the distance benign
Now but a ghost
& lost deep in time.
I still hear the echoes, & the pain in her voice
Lost to the grave
Lost without choice.

~ having played Taylor Swift’s ‘Last Kiss’ & seeing this occur. Another experience still hurts.
© ed simkins

Retreat

Time
Eroding life
With pulsing beats of death.
Brain rotting
Failing
Dying.

A whole day of wonder
Distinguished by emptiness.
& I sleep by the graves alone.

Tonight will be painful.
I must gallop to the junction of the past & my dreams.
& I know I will I fail
I’m struggling now.

Hero of want
With the darkest of minds.
A mind which sinks from a single sharp thought.
A balloon deflated, pricked by reality.

A man who has everything
Gathers & sits.
Worn out by thinking.
Drugged by illusion.
Bled dry by fate.

But soon I will venture
For another mad escape.
I will run to the shops & buy thoughts for the dead.
Fool by a grave stone
Honestly tortured
Feeling sick with the worry
That one day I’ll wake up
& notice life passed.

Herein an example;
A day of no purpose
Lost deep within here
Mind stuck, no solution.
Mid afternoon & time to relapse
Bed calling for sorrow, a book & collapse.

Escape from the pain
The anger, frustration.
In bed I will dream
A hero untamed.
But there I am conquered
Withdrawn from the light.
& shallow thoughts burden.
I’m tired of the fight.

~ a single moment & the lights are switched off inside & the eagerness is gone.
© ed simkins

Pilgrimage

I went to the cemetery today.
& I stood at her closed door.
I dreamt of how she used to stand there smiling.
I fell in love once more.

I cried a thousand tears
& dreamt she loved me once again
& hoped that she had room for me
From the cold & freezing rain.

Illusions are a-plenty now
When death it holds her deep
I call out her name in pain
And stand there & I weep.

I wish that she were real again,
& she’d walk my earth tonight
I’d love my bride so passionately
& I’d hold her oh so tight.

Love, it is a knife wound
Cutting through my thoughts
Forcing me to ask her
If I’ll get what I have sought.

She, my precious dream so dear
Lies there under flowers
Not caring or a-knowing
That my tears flow for hours

I leave a postcard on her stone
& roses of love I kiss for her
I stumble to my knees in grief
& wish we could confer

I’d ask her if she’d marry me
I’d ask her for my child
I’d ask for her to stay with me
So that I could see her smile.

My broken heart remembers her
Her face & beauty glowed
The warm & crazy ways she played
Her conversations flowed

If I could save the dead I would
& make a kingdom out of loving
& all these late nightmares held
Would instead be rainbows here a-coming.

~ dreams of a girl so dear.
© ed simkins

That I could hold her hand again.

God.
That I could hold her hand again.
A dream I take to sleep with me.
I die.
In painful tears which weep through loss.
I pause.
& dream.
Engulfed in darkness I sit with thought.
& silence bleeds.

I seek her hand once more, though none arrives.
Dreams I take to bed with me.
I speak to her but no response.
A quiet field of empty blanket found
An empty bed of love.
With flowers of remorse.

This heart which trembles in mute & lost, forgotten play
I see you there within my mind
A stabbing, painful memory
From the past my tears they fall.

My wrists would bleed if fate could change
& her body breathed again.
& held my hand.

I cry for you.
In quiet times.
In darkest echoes of the night, like now.
A tear rolls in sad recline.
Broken mind which stands by day
Shudders in the flood by night.

If love exists then hold my hand
& bring the radiance of your smile,
Return to me.
But pass, neglect this pain which fills my heart
Bring forth such joy which I once knew.

I retire now to death’s dark door
In weary battered illusion born
Where I may die & prostrate cry
Myself to sleep
& deep
oblivion.

~ darkness real takes over thoughts, as the night alone surrounds. A heavy night.
© ed simkins
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aWIE0PX1uXk