Overwhelmed

Life ceased the day you died.
Since then it’s been death and fight on fight from suicide.
Each day I cry but no-one sees
For masks are secret facades that protect the broken mind deep within.
I tell you lies
I scream out joy
But here I stand in isolated form and wish
Wish that life were good.
But my mind rejects itself
& in silent whispers unknown to you
It calls for death and hatred to itself.
It wants to kill.
Either the ones who control his life and let him bleed
& forces pain and holds him down
Or himself for failed life wasted
& tepid, pained ineptitude.

No good the voices say in multitude & repetition.
Evil truths that rock his soul.
Which causes pain to flow & overwhelm.
You opened the door to death my child.
& foolishly I let her stay.

I walked the isles tonight and crossed the lands
Seeing faces known from past of mine
I wished to kiss,
I almost hugged,
I made her smile and words exchanged
But escape on each occasion was my only claim.

I failed.
As I do each night
In hidden walls of fear sublime.

I am invisible, as is half of the world I know.
Sat in darkness & laid bare to die.
Awaiting god. The hero that never shows.
Between him and me there’s no chance of joy.
Only nights which stretch in continued, absolute defeat.

I produced a face to her of tired fatigue
& then in secret depths collapsed.
Broken.
& so I failed again tonight.
For the mind is no great conqueror
no giant of the world.

I am hated and useless, & I have nothing to give
& the brain says death is best when silence calls.
Age it kills me, one wound each day
& barriers will claim my soul & heart
as each child dies & walks on by
such face of love fades in grief & solitude.

My heavy eyes they call for sleep.
For I am lost & hurt.
& here I am
drowning deep
& flailing in the dark.

~ in these moments alone I feel death call. & the waves of fate sink me.
© ed simkins

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In Morning Star.

It’s a simple change,
One that warms the cockles of my heart
The spirit soars my friend
In minutes spent in outside bliss

A morning start is new
A creation formed from thought & need
Time in prayer & breath
Rising sun in warmth face shone

Standing still or stretching yet
Smiling at the wonder seen
Of plants & flowers grown
In light which talks of God

Fresh food is ate
& the feeling of the new day brings
Relaxed & happy grins my friend
Which blossom on an ageing heart

Peace & bliss & fired content
Flowing through the veins
Soft, slow morning wake
In sun which fills my eyes

Passion of an evening star
Fades in cool positions
Hope or carefree strength of mind
Begins in blue sky felt

If all the Earth my friend
Could stand at ease this morn
Then peace would spread around this day
& end hatred’s mad disease

I admire her beauty, I dream of pleasure
I wish for naked love
But standing here this morning warm
In sun’s ray’s I am loved.

~ a beautiful start to the day. A new regime is followed.
© ed simkins

Life Alone, no reason.

23:37 & the heart is ripped.
A long walk through the darkness. Drifting through shorelines

Distance uncertain, a final fatal dream.
No-one to love & empty solitude.

The world is so large, but I can’t scream any louder
I ache for a drug that doesn’t exist.

Pleasure an illusion of the crazy & dead.
I sit in a room of which there’s no sound

I can’t tell you of the pain that I feel deep inside
You’d hate me for this weakness as the mirror pays witness.

The stars are illusions of a god which has failed
Nightmares exist in the eyes of the stranger

& money takes no more than the soul of this man.
Where is my saviour when all the thinkers are dead?

Buddha was a dreamer who retired to a tree
Smiling & kissing, a thinker in pain

No grip to be certain, a hand in the ocean
I’m drowning in not knowing, the direction I’m going.

Given a rock or a rope from an angel unknown
Once more accidentally, I’d kill & she’d moan.

Tears are my pillow, placed by my weakness
I wish I could conquer, My brain & my fate

Dreams they take over & I bid you farewell,
Though Love is a lie, it’s one that I seek.

~ On seeing the film ‘Up in the Air’ & reflecting on my life.

© ed simkins

Valentine Still Sleeps

I rode to her grave. Cycled hard.

13 miles of hills & rain & solemn contemplation.

Cemetery empty & dark.

I took her my card. To talk of love.

The stars sparkled as I sat beside her. & I wished and dreamt & missed her so.

I whispered soft adoration & I pictured her in front of me.

When we danced. When we kissed.

When we used to just stand & breathe & hold & in slow caress we’d love.

Fresh Red roses shone for her last night. Under the moon’s sad light.

I was lost.

Her death had brought the dog. An unforgiving black beast. A perpetual companion.

& we sat there & thought. Imagined. Pined.

But many a hour did not relieve the angst of her loss.

My grief at her death has not transformed.

Her stolen body leaves an empty hole.

Her beauty faded into earth’s forgotten dust.

She doesn’t care. For her tombstone is not her burden. Her reminder.

So I broke down & watched the world burn.

I hate these days. These ends to the night.

For the dead have nothing to say. They remain as silent as the living.

& I wished I could lie down n die too. Let the flood drown me.

End it.

Isn’t that the only way she’ll return? The only way we can be as one?

But the dead know of no pain. Nor do the ignorant.

So I waited for sleep. Or for her to rise.

& notice me.

Instead, the hours just slowly drifted past.

& I woke up this morning, eyes wet & sore.

Her stolen diary pressed to my body.

Maybe one day I’ll read it.

Maybe one day I’ll get the truth.

Maybe one day I’ll get to kiss my lover again.

~ a night spent with my girl

© Ed Simkins

Breathe By Candlelight

inhale.

exhale.

smile with a beauty. a strange inflamed burden of desire.

but this is a passion. a heart filled with hope.

Buddhist contemplation. evening declaration. a resting from fire. at peace with the silence.

the cold air flows in & the spirit’s engaged.

escape from the madness, no fury enraged.

in the cave where i think, the thoughts fly away

& the calmness surrounds me & i’ve nothing to say.

no talk of her beauty, of her innocent face, no aim to escape, no mental race

in the winds of tomorrow my dreams will begin, as the hours of today narrow & thin

i watch you my friend & i watch you my girl, & i know of the pain that subsumes your world,

letters i leave & prayers i now send, for the anguish you carry to come to an end.

rest now beside me & with a soft recline, breathe in with me & ignore human time.

a night full of dreams & a day full of work, let go of the meaning, let go of the hurt.

once more with a kiss, once more full of hope, with a deep loving breath, know that you’ll cope.

inhale.

exhale.

love has just been.

(c) Ed Simkins